A New Beginning Without You
by lissylou78
Summary: This is a sequel to Finding my Place. It's totally Penelope centered. It's about her moving on with her life without Derek. If you haven't read Finding my Place you may want to because it elaborates on the MG Break
1. Decisions

Penelope wrapped her arms around his neck, and gave him a hug. She buried her face into his chest, his into her neck. They held onto each other tightly as if their life depended on it. Penelope broke free first and lay her hand on his cheek. With one final act of bravery, in the spirit of no regrets, she brought her lips to his and kissed him. Derek's whole body reacted as he kissed her back, the years that they had shared together, the flirting, the fun times, the sad times, and everything in between, it was all in that kiss. Everything in that kiss, told them what they both needed to know. Penelope's hand touched his chest as she pulled back. As she looked in his eyes, she could see the reflection of sadness that she knew that was in hers.

"Be happy Derek," she whispered softly. Penelope turned to go and Derek had grabbed her hand. Penelope gave him a small smile and squeezed his hand before letting go. Derek watched as she walked away without turning back. Derek had to take a breath, scared that he would hyperventilate as everything began to crash around him. He knew that she had just let him go.

Penelope arrived back at the house to find a very happy couple sharing the hammock in her back porch.

"I see you have both found my favourite spot in the place."  
"We sure have, but you can have it back. We were just waiting for you to come back so we can go. You know get out of your hair and all that."  
"Ah, you could have just left a note, I wouldn't have minded."  
"Yes we could have but we wanted to see you before we left. Thank you." Hotch said earnestly  
"No thanks necessary, but I appreciate that you stayed to say goodbye."  
"Hon, why don't you load up the car? Pen and I will meet you out front." Emily suggested, as Hotch nodded in understanding. Emily took a step towards her friend and hugged her,  
"Thank you," she murmured softly.  
"You're welcome honey. I'm happy for you both."  
"Pen, I'm so sorry."  
"It is what it is hon. He deserves to be happy."

Just as Hotch closed the door on the passenger side he hugged Penelope.

"You know what I have to do." She whispered.  
"I do."  
"There's no other way Aaron."  
"I know. Where will you go?" he asked,  
"I've got a couple of things in the pipe line. I just need to choose.""  
"You'll say goodbye. You won't just disappear."  
"Of course." She promised, though it was tempting, she owed the rest of them that.

"She's going to bolt isn't she?" Em said as they drove off,  
"I would if that was me." He answered honestly. The thought of Emily being with anyone else was unthinkable. Losing her almost killed him, the idea of having someone else with her was down right paralysing  
"Does she know where she's going?"  
"I think she has an idea."  
"Derek's going to freak out."  
"I don't think he'd be all that surprised Sweetheart."

Penelope stayed at the cottage or the rest of the weekend uninterrupted. She was all set. She had made the necessary arrangements and all she needed to do was pack up her apartment and go. She had already typed up her letter for Strauss. Despite how hard it was she felt at peace about her decision. There was no way that she and Derek could co exist in the same city, let along work in the same place. It hadn't worked for months, it certainly wasn't going to work now that he was expecting, and she assumed that now that Tamara was pregnant, she would make more of a point of making her infinite presence known, and Penelope wasn't up for that.

They were called away on a case as soon as Monday hit, and Penelope couldn't be more relieved. She didn't want to have to deal with Derek hearing the news from Strauss. She wasn't quite sure of what his reaction would be, whichever one she knew it would hurt her.

Penelope had distributed her calls evenly to the rest of the team with the exception of one person, and that wasn't lost on any of them. She had made arrangements with Strauss to stay on the case till they broke it under the condition that she not announce her resignation, that she would allow Penelope to break it to the rest of the team. Reluctantly, Chief Erin Strauss nodded in agreement, for which Penelope was grateful for. It didn't take long to pack up her apartment. She had worked from home most of the week, and they were none the wiser.

After much coaxing from both Tamara and his mother, Derek had made plans to fly straight to Chicago where he would meet up with Tamara at the airport and together they would hire a car to drive to his mothers.

When Penelope had seen the leave request, she let out a huge sigh of relief. When the others had arrived she was waiting for them at the bullpen with a smile on her face. Emily made a bee line for her friend and hugged her. Glad that she hadn't left without saying goodbye to them all.

"Anyone up for dinner and drinks?"  
"I'm in." The rest of them chorused sorely in need of some family time. They were laughing  
about something Reid was saying when Penelope caught Aaron's gaze in her direction. His eyes asked the question his mouth couldn't, and she merely nodded in response. This was goodbye. When dinner was over and dessert was almost finished, Penelope had cleared her throat.  
"You guys, I sort of have an announcement to make. I'm truly sorry for the short notice, but I got offered a transfer." There was a pause and a distinct intake of breath before the questions flooded in at the one time,  
"What?"  
"When?"  
"Where" Dave, JJ and Reid said in unison. Penelope made a conscious decision not to look at Hotch and Emily knowing it would put them all in compromising positions.  
"CSI have been offering me a position for ages, and they've finally offered me something I can't refuse. It's doing mainly developing software for the CSI. I'll be working in a team that collaborates and designs programs to help with Crime Scenes. It's a great opportunity for me. They're sending me to London for a few months to hang there with a team they've already established. The team is still quite small, so they're currently based in London. There are a couple of new recruits and they've been waiting for my answer for weeks, and I've just been holding off. So I'm actually flying out tomorrow."  
"Penelope!" JJ exclaimed.  
"I only took the job at the beginning of the week and the last thing I wanted was for your guys to head off to a case with this on your mind. It's not forever and it's not permanent. I'm sorry to drop the bombshell on you. I truly am, but I really want to do this. I am really excited about the change. I love you guys, but I've reached the point where I know I am only staying in this job because of that fact alone, and that's not enough anymore. I'm sorry." She said looking mostly at JJ and Spencer who were obviously upset, while Dave saw right through her, and she squirmed in knowing that he did. Everything she was saying was true, but he knew that Derek was what broke the camel's back.  
"But London is so far away." JJ said softly,  
"Honey, it's not that far away and if you need me, I will be on the next plane out. I can visit and you can come visit me. You'll see me often enough I promise, besides there's SKYPE and there's no way I'd let Henry forget his favourite Godmother." JJ seemed appeased with that for the moment. Penelope looked over at Reid,  
"Reid honey, say something."  
"I don't want you to go."  
"Oh Sweetheart." Penelope said rising from her chair to wrap her arms around his shoulders,  
"I'm going to miss you too, but you're going to hear from me every day, I'll still be around Kiddo. I promise." Reid's evident abandonment issues made him dubious.  
"Have I ever broken a promise to you before?" she asked,  
"No," he answered honestly without a thought,  
"Well, I wouldn't start now. I love you guys, you're my family and regardless how far away I am doesn't diminish that love. I would really love it if you guys could support me on this, because it's hard enough to leave, but knowing I'm leaving with you mad at me, I just, I would rather not."  
"Penelope, we're going to miss you, but you have our blessing. We will not begrudge you of an opportunity of a lifetime. If this is what you truly want, then we're with you all the way."  
Dave said covering her hand with his and giving it a squeeze,  
"Thanks," she said gratefully  
"I'm with Dave, but I will miss you like crazy." Emily said getting up to give her a hug.  
"I second what she says," Hotch piped in pointing at Emily. JJ finally rose from her chair,  
"I don't like it, but you have my support. You better keep in touch."  
"I promise!"  
"Reid honey,"  
"I guess that means I'll have an excuse to visit all the museums, castles and galleries in England now and a person to drag with me." He replied with a mischievous smile,  
"For you honey, I would endure that." Penelope answered with a grin.

Penelope had closed up her apartment that afternoon before the team arrived back in the office. There was a bittersweet moment when she stood by her door and memories came flooding in. She closed her eyes and forced her mind to go elsewhere. She took one last look around and she closed the door behind her.

After dinner Hotch had insisted on driving her back to the hotel. They had all insisted on taking her to the airport therefore no goodbyes were said when they parted ways. Penelope climbed into the passenger seat wordlessly, not knowing what to really say. She knew that he knew she was going to bolt. Throughout the week she had noted how he hadn't pushed or asked her for details, and she appreciated that.

"I spoke to Jack on the ride home today,"  
"So he told you,"  
"That you came to see him at Jessica's and you talked to him about leaving."  
"I didn't want to just disappear from his life Hotch, without explanation, he's been through so much already."  
"I really appreciate that Pen. I honestly didn't want to be the one to tell him you were leaving. Jack loves you, we all do."  
"I would never leave you in the position Aaron. Jack means a lot to me. Just because I'm moving away doesn't mean that goes away."  
"I'm glad because he needs his Aunt Pen."  
"I'm glad you said that because I'm hoping that means you won't be mad when I tell you I set him up with a lap top equipped with Skype. I told him I will have mine on at all times and he can call me on it whenever he wants. I put all of the child proof protection stuff and he's only able to visit Aunt P approved sites, but I thought being able to talk to me and see me whenever he wants may soften the blow somehow."  
"How can I get mad at that?"  
"Well, I probably should have cleared it with you first."  
"Knowing there are things only he tells you, it only brings me comfort that you would do that for him, for me, for us."  
"Yeah well, you Hotchner men have a soft spot in my heart, what can I say!"  
"That's good to hear."  
"So how are you and Em?"  
"We're good. We're certainly getting there."  
"Good I'm glad. Before I forget, here are the keys to the cottage. Feel free to use it whenever you want. The brothers usually let me know when they're going down so I'll pass it on. You should bring Jack there, he'll love the beach."  
"Thanks Pen,"  
"The lady down the road, her name is Mrs Lanangham. She makes sure the place is clean and aired out. She knows about you and Em, and I told her that you guys may use the place. Just introduce yourself if she's around. So she knows who you are."  
"Will do. Pen, are you sure about this?"  
"As sure as I have ever been before in my life Hotch. I will not subject myself to witnessing anymore than I already have. It'll make me bitter, and that's so bad for my complexion," she joked.  
"Well you be sure you leave us some of eternal optimism."  
"It's the very least I can do."


	2. Leaving You

A knock on the door startled Penelope as she threw on her pyjama bottoms. Curiously she made her way towards the door and grinned to see Emily on the other side holding Dirty Dancing in one hand and a huge bag of popcorn in another.

"I figured you couldn't leave the country without a proper send off, and what's a send off without paying homage to Patrick Swayze and consuming large amounts of popcorn and sugar, which is currently stashed in my handbag."  
"Well I hope you have PJ's in the bag of yours." Penelope said as she hugged her friend,  
"What's a slumber party without PJ's? JJ will be here shortly, Henry fussed just as she was about to leave so she's just settling him down. We're not allowed to start the movie without her."  
"You guys are the best. Come on in. The bathroom is there if you want to change into your PJ's." Emily nodded and dug into her back pack for her PJ's. Penelope was getting drinks from the bar fridge when Emily emerged a few minutes later,  
"Water or Coke?"  
"Err, what kind of question is that at a Slumber Party? Sugar and caffeine loaded of course."  
"What was I thinking, my mistake." She replied with a chuckle as she handed Emily her drink before collapsing on the couch beside her.  
"So…" Em said carefully,  
"Yeah, so…" was Penelope's only reply earning her a shoulder nudge from Emily.  
"I kissed him." She confessed so softly that Emily almost missed it.  
"What?" she exclaimed sitting up to look at her friend's face. Penelope had to laugh at her friend's enthusiasm,  
"Yeah, that day Hotch came to pick you up. He came to see me. Before you guys left for the case, I was on my way to his office to drop off some files and as I walked in Tamara was announcing her pregnancy, I tried to get out of there without detection but Derek had seen me. I bolted out of there, and it took me a moment for my foot to start working again. I was standing outside that office, not meaning to, I just couldn't breathe and none of my motor skills would work, and she just went on and on, now that they were expecting they would have to have the wedding before she started showing," Emily gasped  
"I know, I didn't even know they were engaged, but it's not like we've been friends at all recently. Anyways, so I managed to move my feet when I gave it the choice of moving or having to listen to the rest of that, and my heart won over my anxiety and off I went."  
"So what did he say?"  
"That he was sorry for driving me out of his life, for hurting me, the standard. So I told him that he had the right to be happy, and that he finally has that family unit he's always dreamed of coming home to, that package. I told him that he deserved to be happy and I wanted him to be happy. Then as I stood there knowing it would potentially be the last time I ever had to stand before him, I bit the bullet. I kissed him. I didn't want to live with one more regret, so I kissed him."  
"And???"  
"Bittersweet, just as I thought it would be."  
"Wow!"  
"You're telling me. Well, at least I can cross that off my list of things to do before I die."  
"You know he'll crack it come Monday when he realises that Kevin Lynch has taken over your bunker."  
"I don't know Em, I mean I'm sure he'll be sad, but I don't really think he'd be all that surprised. I think we both knew it was Goodbye at the beach."

By the time JJ arrived Derek conversation was ceased and they were discussing opportunities and how excited Penelope was about moving to London for a few months. She had always wanted to go and now that she had the chance, she was going to make the most of it.

"Jayje, we definitely need to plan a holiday to visit Pen,"  
"I would love that."

Needless to say that there was very little sleep had by all. The three of them had stayed up talking, reminiscing and laughing. Though they were sad to see her go, they were also happy that she was getting a new beginning. Seeing how excited she was brought a comfort to her best friends.

"So you'll call the moment you get there." Hotch reminded her as she was about to step into customs.  
"Yes Dad." She replied affectionately dropping a kiss on his cheek as he released her from his embrace.  
"Now you Jackers, you call me whenever you want to okay. It doesn't matter what time of day. Aunt P is there." Penelope said picking up Jack in her arms,  
"I will Aunt P. I'll miss you." He said wrapping his arms around her neck, giving her a squeeze,  
"Oh Baby, Aunt P is going to miss you like crazy. Who's my all time favourite four year old?" she asked,  
"I am!" he declared proudly hugging her again.  
"I love you Aunt P."  
"I love you too Little Man. You take care of your Daddy and especially Emmy for me okay,"  
"I promise." Jack promised. JJ and Emily were wiling their tears as Dave gave her a brief but meaningful hug,  
"We're certainly going to miss you Garcia."  
"Likewise,"  
"Hey Baby Genius, I'll see you in a couple of months okay. You, Me and that Buckingham Palace have a date."  
"I'm really looking forward to it. I'll be sure to make a list of places to go." Reid said with a smirk,  
"You do that. You take care of my girls okay. Keep them in line. Most all you take care of you okay. I love you Spencer Reid, and you know what," she said stepping closer to him to hug him  
"I think I'm going to miss you the most Scarecrow." She whispered in his ear  
"Me too Pen." Reid said clearing his throat. Penelope was the closest to a sister he had, and from the moment she had met him, she had taken him under her wing and just took care of him, looked out for him, loved and nurtured him. It seemed strange knowing that she will no longer be seen in the FBI Headquarters, and that her Bunker was no longer going to be the safe refuge it had become to them all.  
"And you two. I love you. Will you take good care of my JJ and that beautiful godchild of mine. Hotchner, you take cake of my Emily. I'm leaving my best friends in your capable hands, keep them and yourselves safe." JJ, Penelope and Emily hugged for what seemed like forever. Reluctantly Penelope stepped back and wiped her face.  
"I better go. I love you guys loads. I'll call." On the way to the gate, she stopped in front of Aaron and hugged him once more, they watched as she whispered something in his ear while he nodded in response. With one last look at her family, her heart took a picture.

The weekend had flown by quickly enough despite the mourning they were all enduring. None of them were quite prepared for a new working day without Penelope Garcia. That and they weren't quite sure how Morgan was going to react.

Penelope arrived in London safely and was collected by her current team mates who were all sharing the house she was going to be living in. On the flight she had worried about not being able to get along with them, but such fears diminished as she came face to face with three of the most funniest guys she's ever met. Gabe, Aidan and Piper welcomed her so easily into the fold and within minutes had her laughing in stitches. The four of them had great rapport and for that Penelope was eternally grateful. They had given her the biggest room with an en suite and she was touched. It was a large four bedroom home, walking distance from the centre of London. Upon her arrival they had sat around in her room as she unpacked, and it surprised Penelope how at home she was with that. In a sense it reminded her of being with her brothers. After she was unpacked and settled, they had dragged her to their local pub for dinner. Afterwards they had jumped on a bus and the boys had given her their own tour of London. When they got to Picadilly Circus she had made them all get out of the bus so she could snap some photos to send to her family.

Derek exhaustedly made his way into his office. It was great to see his Mom and sisters again, but it wasn't lost on him that tension lingered in the room. A distinct elephant had parked itself in the Morgan home and Tamara had thankfully remained oblivious to it all. Though his mother and sisters were polite and welcoming to Tamara, he knew their thoughts were elsewhere, to someone else, and if he were honest, his was too.

Sighing he opened his lap top and found an unfamiliar ICON on his desktop that was titled 'For Derek'. Curiously he clicked on the ICON and sat back as it loaded.

"Hi…" she greeted. She was sitting at his office, in his chair  
"I wasn't going to do this, but it didn't feel right just leaving without even saying a proper goodbye. And as I say that I know your face has just scrunched up and you're wondering if I was pulling your leg, but you know I'm not. I've quit the BAU, we both knew it was long time coming. It's just not what it once was you know?" Penelope dropped her gaze and took a deep breath before resuming,  
"I want you to know that having you as my best friend these last five years has meant the world to me. You're one of a kind Derek Morgan, and I feel somewhat privileged to have been a part of your life for the last five years. It's been a load of laughs, and I know that I will never be able to watch Bad Boys again without hearing your voiceover in my ear. Fun times!!!" she murmured with fondness as though she was recalling their many movie nights at his or hers,  
"Derek, I meant what I said at the beach, I want you to be happy. I know that you're going to make a great father. Overprotective and over bearing, but that's part of your charm. That kid will be lucky to have you. I'm happy to hear that the next generation will have it's very own Derek Morgan, and some lucky girl is going to end up having him as her best friend, just like I was. Not that I know if you're having a boy or anything, though something tells me if you have a girl, that poor little princess may never be allowed out of the house." Derek chuckled knowing it to be true,  
"I want you to know that despite your reservations, you're going to make an awesome Daddy. That whatever happened in your past only helped form the man you are today, so don't hide from it. I want you to know that I'm not going to be sad for us. We've had the most amazing five years as friends, and you have played such an important part of who I am, and how can I really look back with anger or resentment. You need to hear me when I tell you that I don't blame you. I don't hate you. Our season merely ended my sweet. It's time for both of us to test out those wings we refused to acknowledge we had simply because we were too afraid of losing each other. I know my leaving is going to shake you and make you question everything, please don't. All this… it's with reason. Don't hang on to me, and don't clutch on to our past out of some loyalty, in fact, I won't let you. You're going to be angry, but I know you would never do it yourself, so I did it for you. Clean slate," Derek was confused not knowing what she was talking about till she took another deep breath and picked up a box beside her. He gasped when he saw that contents,  
"You wouldn't…" he muttered. He opened his drawer and found his fun zone to be free of all of the colourful, crazy bits and bobs she had placed there, along with it the picture she had taken of herself.  
"I didn't want you to hold on to these things as some sort of false sense of loyalty to me, I mean that would seriously impair the whole moving on with your life that we're aiming for. So you'll see that I have redecorated your office, look behind you." She prompted pointing, Derek turned to see that she had replaced the team photo with all of them in it with a recent team photo that she had taken. She had also framed a photo of him and Tamara that was in his laptop, and she had printed and framed the Ultrasound of their baby.  
"Don't ask how I got the Ultrasound. Just remember that I am all the all knowing. I said my Goodbyes to Clooney, Mrs Danes let me take him for a walk the other day so we went to the park for a few hours. I picked up my things from yours, I would assume when you and Tamara get married the last thing she'd really want to see is a shelf of your said best friend's things in your home. That is if you end up living there. Either way, I saved you the part of having to explain that, and having to ship it to me. Your apartment is now Penelope free, it seems you had a head start anyway." She added looking away from the camera as though trying to hide the hurt she felt that he had actually removed the photos of just the two of them that were in his home, not wanting to give Tamara the wrong impression when they first started.  
"Please take this the right way. Don't try and find me, or contact me. Don't bug the others about trying to find out where I am. Don't come after me. We, whatever we were, are over, and there's no going back. I will forever be grateful for you, and a part of you will forever live in my heart. But aside from those memories, I have to leave you here. I need to move on from you and without you."

As she said that she unclasped the necklace that he had given her on their first Christmas as friends, it was a Tiffany heart that she seldom if ever took off. Even when she was wearing other jewellery she would place it on a longer chain. He knew what that necklace meant to her, what it meant to both of them. He watched as she placed it in the box it had come in. She placed the tiny box in the box filled with what he guessed were trinkets, photos and reminders of what they had shared. When he looked closely he could see that her favourite hoodie that was once his was also in the box. He paused the video when something else in the box caught his eye, it was their time capsule. After she was shot and not long after New York they had taken a trip to the beach house. It was what they truly needed. Drunk on their first night Penelope had the insane idea of writing each other a letter stating how they felt about each other and burying it for five to ten years and coming back together to open it. So they spent the next few hours writing their letters, baring their hearts and souls before finding an old biscuit tin in the pantry. Penelope zip locked their letters in trusted Glad Bags, repeating the process a few times ensuring its survival through the years.

"I can't believe you dug that up." He exclaimed in frustration unpausing the video.  
"So I guess this is it, which seems a little anti climactic now that I think about. Especially as I sit here looking at a box filled with a lifetime of memories. Don't be mad. Truth is, I don't need all this to remind me of you. All I have to do is close my eyes, and there you haunt me. So understand why I have to do this, why I have to go, and why I had to do this." She said gesturing to the box.  
"Truth of the matter is anything that reminds me of you hurts. So this is the first day of the rest of our lives. Maybe one day, it won't hurt so much to think of you, that I will actually allow myself to do so, till then, I hope you won't be too mad at me that I don't think about you, or at least try and not to think about you at all." She paused and gave him a small smile, the look in her asking for understanding.  
"Be happy Derek Morgan, you deserve it. You never know, we may just cross paths one day, if we do, maybe we can grab a coffee hey. Thank you for the lifetime of memories that will live forever in my heart. Would it be corny if I said, have a great life and peace out? Hmm, it is a little lame, but it's the best I can do. Have a great life, and peace out." With that she blew him a kiss and a wave and the screen went blank, and when it returned to his desktop, the ICON was gone, just as she had intended.

Curiosity got the better of him and he opened up his Photo Folders, and just as he thought, she had erased all traces of her in his life. Any photos they had together was deleted. Even team photos with her in it, had been edited. It was like she never existed in his life, but the ache of his soul and the hole in his heart knew better.


	3. It's finally over

Penelope was cooking dinner while talking to Emily on the phone. They spoke almost as often with her in London as they did when they were both in Virginia. Between Reid, JJ, Hotch, Dave and Emily she spoke to at least one of them a day. Admittedly the girls were more frivolous with their phone calls, long and nonsensical but comforting to them all.

"So how are things with Charlie Brown?"  
"It's going really well. He's brought up moving in together."  
"Oh wow! That's a great thing right?" Penelope asked sensing her friend's hesitation  
"It is, and don't get me wrong I want to be with him, but I don't know Pen. Is that moving it to the next level too fast."  
"Says the lady who thought he would never feel the same way or ever commit to her."  
"Okay, the 'I told you so' tone of voice isn't really helpful right now Pen." Penelope chuckled,  
"Honey, it's okay to feel scared. It's okay to hesitate, it's a big step, and you have Jack to think of now too. Just keep him in the loop of what goes on in that head of yours, you know Hotch, he's a gentleman and he would want you to get there in your own time."  
"I know, and I have made a conscious decision to do that and we've talked. He knows that I love him, but he also knows that I'm still scared that he'd change his mind and it would be too late, I would be too far gone."  
"Honey, you don't need to move in with him for that. You passed 'too far gone' a long time ago."  
"Again, not helping Penelope."  
"I'm sorry!" she apologised  
"Consider yourself hugged."  
"How are things in London town?" Emily asked.  
"It's cold, winter is just around the corner, but the outfits that are coming out are fabulous. You and Jayje really need to get your butts here so we can SHOP till we drop."  
"That sounds heavenly right now. We've been working back to back for months."  
"No rests for my superheroes?"  
"Sadly not. How's the boys?" Em asked, as if on queue the front door opened,  
"HONEY WE'RE HOME…." Gabriel bellowed, and within moments the three stooges as she referred to Gabe, Aidan and Piper were in the kitchen.  
"They're good, as you can hear they are as obnoxious as ever." She answered swatting Piper's hand with hers as he was about dipped his finger into the sauce she was stirring  
"Owww, she hit me." He whined while Emily laughed.  
"You'll live. You can say hi to Em while I check the oven." She said passing the phone to Piper,  
"Hey Beautiful! When are you finally going to grace us with your presence so that we can finally meet you?" Penelope rolled her eyes. From day one, the boys had heard all about Penelope's BAU family and were now all well acquainted with each other.  
"Do you want to bread in there Mags?" Gabe asked lifting the tray from the counter,  
"Yes please." She replied appreciatively, they were great guys and she adored them. Upon hearing her brothers call her Mags, they had all started calling her Mags. After Aidan had his chance to say Hi, Gabe said his quick hello to Em before handing the phone back to Penelope  
"I see that your life as Den mother is as eventful as ever."  
"Tell me about it." Penelope's transition to London was successful in large part to her house/work mates. They had enveloped her lovingly into their fold and took care of her. For that Emily couldn't help but be grateful. She had admitted to Aaron when they came home from the airport that she was worried that Penelope would hide in her shell and shut herself off from the world, but seeing/hearing her interaction with the boys, she knew that her friend was learning to move on. They all avoided the topic of Derek. She didn't ask any questions and they surely did not provide any.

In truth Emily could see that it was Derek who was struggling, that he had lost a spark in him that was always present when Penelope was around. He was no longer the carefree fun loving guy. He was serious almost all the time, and it seemed as though he carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He had learned that Penelope was in London, and that she was settling in quite well, already blowing them over, just as they all knew she could and would. His friends/team mates were considerate in not discussing her in his presence, but he knew JJ and Emily were in constant contact with her. When Hotch and Emily had organised a dinner at Hotch's to celebrate Baby Morgan he had seen the countless postcards that were stuck on Jack's wall from her. Jack had immediately climbed on his lap upon his arrival and was insistent on having Uncle Derek tuck him in, he realised Emily and Hotch's hesitation as soon as he walked into Jack's room and seeing his Aunt P designated area. After Jack had fallen asleep he found himself lingering in his room, looking at the postcards and photos that she had sent, along with a Paddington bear that he was now clutching close to his chest as he slept.

"Everything okay?" Hotch asked quietly as he found Morgan staring at Jack's wall.  
"Yeah, I guess she's doing okay." Derek observed pointing at the postcards.  
"She is. She's making the best of it, just like you."  
"She just dropped me from her life Hotch. Like we never existed. How can she do that? Did I mean that little to her?" he said quietly and bitterly.  
"Does it ease your guilt putting it all on her?" Hotch answered evenly. Derek looked up and saw the anger in Hotch's eyes.  
"You walked out of her life way before she walked out of yours. You don't get to be angry because you didn't even know what it was doing to her, what you were doing to her ignoring her existence for months. You don't get to begrudge that she's decided to move on with her life without you when you've had a head start. I understand that you're hurt, but before you start shooting off with the accusations, just remember that you played a part in this too."  
"Don't you think I know that?" Morgan said softly  
"I don't know Derek, do you?" Hotch challenged  
"Hey guys, cool it." Emily said interrupting them. She had grown worried when Hotch and Derek hadn't returned. Emily placed a hand on Hotch's chest,  
"Honey, she wouldn't want this. You promised." Em reminded him. Hotch dropped his gaze to the floor  
"I'm sorry." He said in a whisper looking up at Derek  
"I get it Man, I do. For the record, I do know what part I played in this and I will never be able to fully express how sorry I am, but just because I was the ass, doesn't mean I don't get miss her too." Em placed a hand on Derek's arm reassuringly.

Derek and Tamara's wedding was planned shortly after Penelope's departure. Tamara insistent on getting married before she started showing certainly jump started and catapulted the event a lot sooner than Derek was ready for. A fact that everyone who knew him knew, it seemed the only person oblivious to it all was his bride to be. Derek had asked Spencer to be his Best Man, and it wasn't lost on Derek that there was a moment's hesitation on Reid's part, which he knew was a sense of loyalty to Penelope. Despite their well controlled disapproval, they had all come along side him to support him. Emily especially had made the most effort. He knew without a doubt that Penelope had asked her to do that.

It was an extravagant wedding, one fit for a fairytale and the majority on his side of the family felt it was all wrong. His mother, Desiree, Sarah, Ted, and the twins had flown in for the wedding. They had arrived a few days before the wedding, not so much to help with the preparation but to spend time with him. Fran had caught Derek in his own world too many times in the short amount of time she had spent with him, and she knew only too well where his thoughts were, and the regret in which he toiled with. But he had made his bed, and all she could do was love him. He had to make his own mistakes, and he needed to learn from them himself. It pained her to watch, but as a mother, she needed to let him navigate his own life.

The whole event was planned and executed by Tamara and her girlfriends. All Derek had to do was show up, which he knew would never have flown with anyone else.

As Derek repeated his vow before the priest, God and all of his family and friends, tears began to run down from his eyes. As though each word was squeezing his heart tighter and tighter, he knew with each word he said out loud he was killing what was, and what could ever be. Fran sat at the front pew, handkerchief on hand wiping her own tears, knowing what his tears were for.

Penelope stood there, unable to move, unable to react. It was like her whole body had refused to acknowledge her surroundings for its own self preservation, knowing that it possibly not be able to contain her grief if she allowed herself to feel. She felt two strong hands on her shoulders offering the comfort she needed and looked up at Gabe with an appreciative smiled. When she had found out, she was determined not to acknowledge it, but as the days drew closer, a part of her wanted to see it for herself, as much as she knew it would hurt, she figured it was what was going to release her from him, permanently and forever. The boys had all offered to jump on the plane to offer their moral support, and before she knew it the four of them had flown back for the weekend. Gabe had won the toss to accompany her to the church while Aidan and Piper stayed in the hotel.

"It's over. It's finally over." She whispered, to herself, to Derek, to God, to the universe.  
"Let's go." She said turning to Gabriel as he nodded and led her out the door.


	4. Dealing with the residual feeling

Derek and Tamara opted for a short honeymoon, a few days in New York to save Derek's leave for when Baby Morgan arrived. After the wedding, Penelope had met up with JJ and Emily. The anniversary of Penelope's parent's death was the following weekend and she was meeting her brothers in California instead of the beach house that year, mainly because she couldn't risk Derek showing up knowing what the weekend represented should by chance he make the connection of the dates and know that she would never miss an anniversary. Emily and JJ had organised a team brunch the following day without disclosing their surprise.

After meeting the boys quickly the three girls disbursed to Penelope's room, excited to be together again.

"I am so glad you're here Pen. We've so missed you. I mean, I know we talk almost every day, but it's just not the same."  
"I know. I miss you guys too. As awesome as my lovely boys are, it's just not the same."  
"Did you go?" Em asked the eternal question. Though they had discussed it, they weren't sure if Penelope would go through it  
"I did. I think I really needed to. Nail the coffin shut so to speak. It was a lovely ceremony."  
"A little over the top," Emily muttered earning a chuckle from both her friends who were trying to omit those words from their conversation.  
"What? I'm only saying what you're disciplined enough not to say. I'm all for fairytale weddings, but it's a little hard for me to see it as one when it clearly was a shotgun wedding."  
"Don't get her started," JJ said looking at Penelope. It was no secret that Emily was very anti the Tamara and Derek nuptial. Especially as she watched the strained face of their friend as he could barely choke out the words.  
"I'm all for he's an idiot, but come on. His face and his the way he has been dragging his feet for months is a dead giveaway. If I was her, I wouldn't let him marry me. I'd know that his heart isn't in it."  
"Em she's carrying his baby. That's huge!" Penelope tried to placate,  
"I guess, I don't know. I think I would rather raise the baby myself than marry someone who I'm not sure really wants to marry me."  
"We don't know that he doesn't want to marry her."  
"Pen," Em started by JJ had but her off,  
"Pen's right Em. Morgan made his bed. He needs to lie in it." Catching on Em closed her mouth and grabbed the bag of M&M's in that JJ had in her hands.|  
"So what's the plans for tomorrow?"  
"The boys are heading off to see their own families and hang with them the week. We're all just going to meet in LA after my thing. We're thinking of taking a road trip to the Grand Canyon for a hike, team building and what not."  
"What's the Brit doing?" JJ asked after Gabriel. The girls had great rapport with all the boys, but Gabriel in particular.  
"He's doing the NY thing, and I am going to meet him there, once you know the coast is clear and I think he's coming to LA with me but we haven't really set anything in stone at the moment. I know he wants to hang with Mac, Stella and the gang for a bit, so who knows."  
"You staying with Mac when you get to NY."  
"As if I'd live to tell the tale if I didn't." Penelope and Mac had known each other for years. He had gone to school with her eldest brother Adam, while she was in the same year as his sister who was Penelope's best friend as they were growing up. He had been the one who had been trying to recruit her into the CSI for years.  
"That is true. Does he know?"  
"Yeah, he does."  
"Derek better pray he doesn't cross paths with Mac, or Stella for that matter." Em said knowing just how protective Mac was of Penelope.  
"Mac's been pre warned. He's not allow to do bodily harm." Pen answered.

The next morning Penelope and the boys went for their usual run before the boys had to pack up and head their separate ways. She had just finished seeing them off when it was time for her to meet the others for Brunch at the hotel restaurant downstairs. Emily and JJ had set it up so that she would be the one to arrive last. Jack had been the first to spot her. He jumped to his feet with a grin on his face,  
"Aunt P!!!!" he squealed happily as he rant straight into her outstretched arms. Reid, Hotch, Rossi, Will, Fran, Des' and Sarah's head snapped towards the direction Little Hotchner was headed. They watched as she caught Jack in her arms and lifting him up into a tight hug. Jack wrapped his arms around her neck tightly.  
"I've missed you Aunt P."  
"I've missed you too my little man. So much! I've missed you all." She said meeting the eyes of those who were looking right at her.  
"Surprise…" she said meekly.  
"So this is where you two disappeared to last night?" Hotch said accusingly at Em and JJ who grinned,  
"Yup, we were setting up the surprise." Everybody rose from their chair as she came around the table to hug them all. When she reached Fran, it wasn't at all lost on her that the older woman clung to her tightly, as a reassurance, and perhaps even an apology.  
"Hey P." Des said a little choked up, the years spent being intertwined in their family had made Penelope extremely close to both Morgan sisters.  
"Hey Des, it's okay honey. I'm okay." She reassured her.  
"You're looking great Penelope." Sarah complimented as she hugged Penelope,  
"Thanks Sar. How's the twins?"  
"They're great, they're with Daddy at the zoo. We weren't quite sure what brunch was about so I didn't bring them in case it was an adult thing, if I had known you would be here, I would have brought them. They miss you."  
"I miss them too. I'm in Virginia for a couple of days, I'd love to see them if you guys are sticking around. I was going to take little Hotchner Ice Skating, if you want to bring the kids."  
Penelope said throwing Jack a wink as he jumped up and down excitedly,  
"That sounds great."  
"Hey is it kids only or can we all go?" Rossi asked with a smirk,  
"You can all go, but you come, you skate. You too Reid." Penelope said pointedly at Dave, Reid and Hotch.  
"Small price to pay Penelope." Hotch answered dropping a kiss on her head before pulling out a chair for her to sit in.

They had a nice brunch together just catching up on what was the latest in each other's lives. After brunch they all reluctantly parted needing to run their own errands. While Sarah and Des went to collect Ted and the kids, Fran stayed with Penelope.

"Looks like London agrees with you Sweetheart." Fran observed as Penelope was telling her all about her new job and new city  
"I truly never anticipated how much I would love it. I love what I am doing, who I work with. London is just this playground of unknown for me, and I love wandering the little nooks and crannies and finding Penelope approved places." Fran had to smile at Penelope's genuine enthusiasm,  
"And I hear you've found a family like group of people."  
"I have, they're my workmates/housemates. I live with three boys, and they're fiercely protective, loyal, and loving. They look after me. I've really been blessed Fran, and I am grateful."  
"That's not something to sound apologetic for honey."  
"I know, it just kind of feels like…"  
"I asked, and it's only right that you move on with your life and enjoy it to the fullest. I'm happy that you are surrounded by people who love and care for you. You deserve that honey." Penelope's eyes filled with tears,  
"Thank you,"  
"I meant what I said Penelope, you will always be a part of this family. You are a daughter to me and you will never be anything less. My house is always open to you. I will never not be happy to hear from you. Wife, grandchildren, whatever your place in this family was cemented a long time ago, and no one can ever take that away." Fran pulled Penelope into her arms, in typical Mamma Morgan fashion.  
"How was he?" Penelope finally asked despite herself,  
"Stoic, certainly didn't look like a man who was getting married, but a man who was standing by his principles because it was the right thing to do, despite the sacrifices he had to make, and how much it had hurt him."  
"I'm sorry Fran, I know how hard that must have been for you to watch."  
"For you as well I'm sure." She replied earning a surprised look from Penelope,  
"You forget I know you Penelope. I know how much you love my son and how much he loves you. Despite everything that's happened, you were never not going to be there. Regardless how much it would have hurt you, you would have gone because you wanted to make sure he would be okay. I know that if he was to fall apart and you were there, you would have talked him off his ledge." Penelope had no words, because she knew Fran's words were true. It didn't matter how much Derek had hurt her, at the end of the day, if he needed to be rescued, she would have rescued him.  
"I needed to see him go through with it, in a way it sufficiently closed our door, and now there is no turning back."

They had spent that evening having dinner with both the team and the Morgans, as promised they went ice skating before hand. That evening JJ and Emily were staying the night in her room for one of their infamous slumber parties. In the few days that she was she was there, she managed to spend quality time with each of them. The Morgan's left for Chicago the day after their brunch. She, Emily and JJ hit their favourite mall for a lot of pampering and shopping. She and Reid went to the Planetarium. She had dinner with Rossi and Hotch, and stayed one night at Hotch's to hang with Jack. After they had put Jack to bed, it gave Hotch and Penelope an opportunity to catch up,

"So… things are going well it seems." She stated after close observation of her friends and the development since her departure.  
"It is Pen, she makes me happy. I love her."  
"The feeling is more than mutual my friend, trust me."  
"Then why is she so hesitant about moving in,"  
"Aaron, she's scared. You know how Em has to compartmentalise everything. She's just afraid that you guys are rushing into it, and maybe you'll one day realise that it was the wrong thing and take it back."  
"That's crazy!"  
"Says the man who almost had a heart attack when he kissed the woman he loves for the first time."  
"That's going to haunt me forever isn't it."  
"Yes, if only as a reminder as to why she is so cautious."  
"How are you holding up?"  
"By a thread, I know it was slightly sadistic to come to the wedding and watch it, but I just had to. I guess a part of me wanted that closure. I wanted to see if he would actually go through with it. Watch his face. Look for a sign, I don't know. If I were completely honest, I guess I wanted him to choose me. Whether or not I was there, I wanted him to want me enough."  
"Penelope, you know he would have walked out of that wedding if he saw you there."  
"But he wouldn't have had to risk anything Hotch. He wanted a guarantee."  
"He never fought for us, for even the possibility. It was all too little too late. He's not the man I thought he was. He just didn't love me enough." Aaron pulled her into a hug as she leaned into his chest with a sigh.  
"Thanks for listening, I love the girls but there's no way I would admit all that to them. They'd skin him alive."  
"What makes you think I won't."  
"Because you're a reasonable man, and I know if I asked you not to, you won't."  
"Fine, you win that round."

On the day that the Morgan's were to arrive, was the day Penelope was flying out to New York to hang with Mac and Stella. Derek was surprised to see Emily, JJ and Spencer waiting at the arrivals for them. Penelope had convinced the three of them to wait for Derek and Tamara seeing as they were already at the airport. They had brought her to the airport a couple of hours earlier and after checking in they hung out at Starbucks till she was called to board, leaving them with ten minutes to get to Derek's gate to pick them up.

"Oh hey you guys, thanks for coming to pick us up." He said gratefully. He was well aware of the change in dynamics since Penelope's departure and had not expected them to be there. He had noticed that JJ and Emily had slipped out of the wedding hours before it ended.  
"Sure man, all good. Is this all your luggage?" Reid asked looking at the numerous bags before them,  
"I got a little carried away with the shopping." Tamara said sheepishly.  
"It's a girl thing." JJ assured her. As they headed out the door, Derek saw his three friends look out the window when a final call for a New York flight was called, it was brief moment but it was significant.


	5. Surprise

Penelope could hear her home phone ringing and could guess that it was of her folks back in the States, she had just missed a call on her cell phone as she attempted to juggle everything she was carrying. Sure enough as she entered her apartment Emily's voice filled the room,

"Hey stranger, we keep missing each other. We need to time our calls better. Was it always this hard to touch base. I miss you Pen. Call me…" before Emily could finish her sentence Penelope dove for the phone.  
"Hey honey, sorry I missed your call earlier, I was juggling my belongings and opening the door at the same time. My multi tasking skills are currently in hiatus,"  
"Oh hey! I'm so glad to have reached you."  
"I'm so sorry. It's been crazy busy here and every time I get a chance to call you back you're up in the air somewhere or chasing bad guys."  
"I know, it's been crazy. Don't these bad guys know that girlfriends need girlfriend time?" Emily said with a chuckle as she collapsed on to her couch.  
"Tell me about it. How are you? Hotch managed to catch me this morning but Strauss walked in before we could get past hello."  
"Yes, she was in there for a good couple of hours."  
"Poor Aaron"  
"Yup. So what's new with you."  
"Ahh, not much, the usual."  
"How's the new apartment?" Emily asked knowing that Penelope had moved into her own apartment a couple of weeks before.  
"I am loving it. The boys were awesome and I do miss them, but it's nice to have my own space. Admittedly, we're all suffering from withdrawal symptoms and end up in either homes."  
"I guess it's handy that you moved literally next door."  
"That it is."  
"So I wanted to run a thought by you…" Em began,  
"Ooh, intriguing. Run it!"  
"Strauss has graciously given us the holidays off. What are your thoughts of us, all of us spending the holidays with you in London."  
"Really?" she asked excitedly. It had almost been a year since they have all been in the same room together. Her last Christmas in Quantico was right before Derek's news.  
"That would be awesome. We can use the house the next door. The boys are all going home to visit their families."  
"And let me guess, you volunteered to be on call so they can all go home." Emily said knowingly.  
"Tis, the season for giving. I was going to make my way down there after the holidays just to see you guys."  
"Right in time for Derek's annual trip home to Chicago?"  
"Why you know me so well Agent Prentiss."

In the months after her departure, there was very little news shared between about one party to the other, and it worked for Penelope. She knew if anything was life threatening they would let her know. As much as she missed him, she couldn't bring herself to think about him, but her mind involuntarily went there more often than she wanted or cared to admit.

"How's my gorgeous niece?" Emily asked. Penelope looked down at the infant sleeping in her stroller.  
"Peacefully asleep. I ran a few errands this morning and Uncle Gabe insisted on watching her so I could get everything done quicker without having to navigate strollers."  
"He's a keeper that one."  
"That he is." Penelope replied with a smile.  
"So how are things with you?"  
"Good, I move into the Hotchner house in a couple of weeks."  
"Yay! That's exciting."  
"And practical, as I already stay there most nights."  
"Where's the romance Agent Prentiss? Practical, don't make me come there and smack you."  
"I know, and I am excited. We've been taking it slow and he's been really patient. I appreciate that. He's the one Pen,"  
"Good to hear. For the record, he thinks you're the one too."  
"God I miss you."  
"I miss you too. Amelie misses all of her uncles and aunties."  
"I can't wait to give you both big hugs in a couple of weeks."  
"Looking forward to it."

After hanging up the phone Amelie stirred in her stroller. Penelope picked her daughter up and held her in her arms.

"Hi Baby. Did you have a good nap? You missed your Aunt Em on the phone, but you'll see her in a couple of weeks with your Aunts and Uncles, they're all so excited to see you."

Emily heard Aaron enter her apartment as she put the phone down from talking to Penelope.

"Hey hon, you just missed Pen. We got to chat for a bit."  
"She good with us invading London for Christmas?"  
"She sounds excited. I hate that's she's been alone through all this Aaron. It isn't right."  
"Perhaps not Sweetheart, but she has the right to do this her own way."  
"It takes all my energy to not want to slap him on the back of his head."  
"I know, but he's made his bed Emily and Penelope is entitled to deal with this the best way she thinks how."

Penelope's eyes filled with tears as her daughter snuggled against her contently. She had made the decision to do it on her own. Telling him wasn't an option, well certainly after he got his official girlfriend pregnant.

It was on the night that Hayley was murdered by Foyet, they had all felt so lost and like a beacon Derek had ended up at Penelope's that night seeking comfort that only his best friend, the person who knew him best could give. For one night there was a white flag, and the fact that they hadn't had much to do with each other in months was put aside. It was one night, and it was one night that certainly made things even more complicated.

Penelope discovered she was pregnant when she returned to London from Derek's wedding. There certainly was no turning back, and there was no way she would rock his newly wed boat. She had put off telling her BAU family knowing that JJ and Emily would hop on the plane as soon as they found out, which they did when Gabriel had called them when she went into labour.

"Em, it's Gabe. Don't shoot the messenger, but I thought you might want to be here. Pen's gone into labour. She begged me not to call you guys but I know she's going to need you on the other side of this."  
"I'm on my way." She stated not bothering to ask the obvious questions. Shocked she walked into JJ's office,  
"You might want to grab your Go bag. We're going to London." Not waiting for an explanation, JJ picked up her bag and followed Emily to Hotch's office.  
"Hotch, JJ and I need personal leave as of now for a few days, maybe more."  
"What's happened?" he asked worriedly noting Emily's stoic expression on her face. JJ closed the door behind her,  
"Pen's in labour."  
"What?" Hotch and JJ said in unison.  
"Go, I'll cover for you both. Call me as soon as your get there." Emily nodded. Hotch drew her into his arms,  
"I love you," he whispered in his ear  
"I love you too."  
"JJ, is Will going to be okay with this?" Emily asked realising that JJ had other responsibilities.  
"I'll call him from the car. Let's go."

They arrived in time to relieve a much panicked Gabriel who had been Shanghai'd to be her birthing partner. Penelope burst into tears as her best friends walked into the room.

"You Penelope Garcia have a lot of explaining to do." Emily stated as she gave her friend a hug,  
"Do you ever. We talk every day, and you couldn't squeeze in, hey guys I'm pregnant! Penelope!" JJ admonished,  
"I'm sorry," Penelope apologised  
"Come on Penelope, a couple of more pushes and you're home free, let's bring this baby out." Dr Bennett said encouragingly. Penelope nodded and gave a couple of pushes. A few minutes later there was a loud howling from a tiny little person, both JJ and Emily gasped as their eyes fell on the darkened skinned baby that Dr Bennett held up.  
"It's a girl."  
"She's beautiful." Penelope cried as she took her baby in her arms.  
"I'm sorry I screwed up Baby Girl, but I promise you, you will be surrounded with so much love. I'm going to love you enough for all of us. I promise."  
"Oh Pen," Emily sighed through her own tears wrapping her arms around her friend.  
"Now do you guys understand why I couldn't tell you." She asked looking up from JJ to Emily.  
"Oh Pen," JJ replied in anguish feeling for her friend.

Amelie Francesca Beth Garcia was perfectly healthy and happy. The bond between mother and daughter was undeniable. As much as Penelope loved her daughter, Emily and JJ could see the guilt she carried for bringing her daughter into the world without a father. That her daughter was going to have a future denied of her father.

JJ and Emily spent a week with Penelope and Amelie, and they watched as Penelope took on motherhood with such gusto, and proved what they had always known, that she was going to be a great mother. How Derek was missing out on so much. Reluctantly, they left and returned to Virginia with tons of photos to share with the rest of their family, with the exception of the one person who should be seeing them.

In the months that followed, Penelope was visited by the rest of them individually. Hotch had taken a week off and brought Jack with him to see Penelope. Dave spent a weekend with her on his way to Italy to visit his mother, and Spencer had come for Thanksgiving. When Emily and JJ had magically disappeared for a week, he guessed what it was for. It was he that she had confided in on his first visit of her predicament, and being Reid, he was as supportive as only Reid can be. He showered her with books and every so often groceries of fruit and vegetables would be delivered to her with recipes with statistics on how it enhances the development of her unborn child. She loved that he was doting on her without hovering, that he understood that she was trying to wrap her head around her predicament. She knew everyone would be supportive, but she also knew that they would insist on telling Derek, and she wasn't willing to fight that battle while she was pregnant. Sure enough, Emily and JJ had broached the topic when they got her settled at home. Penelope had flatly said no, and they knew to drop it.

When Emily and JJ disappeared for a week, his mind was going on over drive. He knew that there was no way that the two of them would just drop everything if it wasn't important. He had feared that something had happened to Penelope, but he didn't quite know how to ask. Instead, he did as profilers do, inter team profiling rules be dammed, he profiled them for the hours and days that followed. Watching Hotch's concern simmer, which Reid was calm and pensive for most of it, while Rossi was almost anxious excited about something.

He watched them each take some time off, and he knew without a doubt it was to visit Penelope in London. Though they had managed to remain somewhat neutral with him, relationships between their team had shifted, and with Penelope gone, it seemed like their team was missing a vital organ. Everything still worked, but they were somewhat handicapped.


	6. It's not easy lying on the bed you made

With only a couple of weeks to prepare, everyone got busy with their plans for their Christmas in London. Though Hayley's family were disappointed that the Hotchner's would not be around during the holiday season, they understood that Jack really wanted to spend Christmas with his Aunt Penelope and sort of cousin Amelie. Despite the great loss in his life Jack remained and continued to be a well adjusted loving kid. They knew that despite the distance, Penelope was always there for Jack whenever he needed her, and considered her, his best friend.

Before they had decided to all go to London, they had asked Derek what his plans were not wanting to leave him without any BAU family during the holidays, they had already planned a strategy of who went to London and who stayed in Virginia.

Admittedly there was a collective sigh of relief when he had told them that he was going to head home to Chicago with his new family. It was Derek Jnr's first Christmas, and he just wanted to be close to his Mom and sisters. Though everyone in the team tried to include Tamara in the family, it just never stuck. Tamara did not allow them to get closer, and kept them at bay. Almost fully cutting Derek off from his BAU family.

It was rare for any of them to see him outside cases, and he had lost his connection to them. It was as though being close to them was too painful. It reminded him too much of what he had lost. There wasn't a day that passed that he didn't think of her. It had been over a year since he had last seen her, since she had left without a backward glance. He hadn't heard a word from her, and admittedly, he never tried to contact her. In his heart, in his mind he would have these long conversations with her, running things by her as he thought them, as though she was still there, and if he stayed still enough, it was almost as though he could hear her voice soothing him, as only she really knew how. When his son was born, all he wanted to do was pick up the phone and tell her. He wanted to tell her how happy he was that he had a son, but despite how happy he was, there was always something missing and that was her. Desperately he wanted to tell her how scared he was about being a father, and again he heard her voice of reassurance telling him he was going to be great at it. At every corner, he could still hear her. As time passed, her voice started to fade. It had been so long that he wasn't sure if it was her voice he was hearing anymore or just the remnants of the voice he longed to hear. He missed her everyday, longed for her every day. He tried his best to move on with his life, and he had Tamara convinced, but he knew he wasn't fooling his mother, sisters and friends. They knew where his mind went every time he would had a far away look on his face, and where his heart never truly left. He knew he had been a fool letting her go, but it was a bed that he made, that he had to lie in. Now with DJ, he couldn't very well walk away from his son.

He wanted to badly to know how she was, but he could never bring himself to ask any of them. Reid one afternoon could sense that Derek was restless, and after opening up a few of the photos that Penelope had sent him without Amelie, he rose form his chair and left his computer unlocked. Reid gave him a few minutes as Derek 's eyes couldn't be pried away from his monitor, there she was in all of her Penelope Garcia glory. She looked well, different from what he remembered. Her blonde hair no longer sported the pink streaks she was so well known for, and she looked ever smaller than he remembered. There was still a teasing glint in her eye. Though what once was a flirtatious countenance, now showed confidence, contentment and happiness. He could see that she had shed the colours, the pretence, the walls, she was just Penelope and she had never looked more beautiful to him. There was a photo of her and Jack that sat on Emily's desk, both were looking at each other as though they knew a secret that no one else did, it was a photo he found himself staring at when everyone else had gone for the night. At times he waited till he was the last person in the office, just so he could look at that photo.

He had deduced that they were all heading to London for the holidays, though they were very discreet about it all as respect for him, he could tell by their excitement that they were going to spend their holidays with their favourite tech who always made the holidays so uniquely festive. How he wished things were different, but he was glad that he would be spending Christmas and New Year with his mother and sisters. A couple of days before Christmas they were standing around the bullpen about to part ways for the holidays. They had all gone out to lunch and exchanged gifts. As they were saying their goodbyes, Derek had pulled Reid into an uncharacteristic long hug,

"You give her some love from me too okay Kid." He whispered, his voice cracking with emotion as Reid nodded, giving the man who resembled as the closest thing to a brother he had an affectionate pat on the shoulder as they parted. Emily's eye's brimmed with tears as sadness took over her.  
"We love you. Call if you need anything." She said softly as she took him in her arms,  
"I love you too. I will call. You guys have a safe flight, and let me know you've all landed safely."  
"We will." JJ assured him as she hugged him goodbye. As angry as she was that he let Penelope go, especially after their night together, she couldn't' help but realise that he got the bad end of the bargain, he lost Penelope. He lost a daughter he may never know he fathered.

As they piled into the car and drove off, Hotch couldn't help but look at Derek through the rear view mirror. He felt like a father leaving his son at summer camp for the first time. It was heart breaking.


	7. You know what you have to do

Penelope nervously walked around the house to make sure there were enough towels, linen and room for her friends. As excited as she was to see them, a part of her anticipated the pain that she would feel seeing them all together, when the person she wanted to see the most would be missing. Though she couldn't say that she was completely at peace with not telling him about their daughter, that she was well aware that he had every right to make the choice to be a part of his daughter's life, she wasn't equipped for the rejection she feared would come her way. She knew that if he ever found out he would be angry, that he may possibly never forgive her, but she was willing to live with that. She wasn't going to mess it up for him. He made his choice and it wouldn't have been fair to put him in a position that would make him choose. The last thing she wanted was for him to do the right thing for all the wrong reasons. He had picked Tamara, and she was okay with that. She walked away with so much more than she could have possibly imagined. She had a living testimony of what they shared, that during the times when she doubted what they had, she could look at their daughter and know that despite the fact that it was a moment of grief and weakness that led them to her procreation, she was proof of how much they loved each other. That during their rawest moments, there was no one else they wanted to be with aside each other. The knock on the door interrupted her inward turmoil, absently she made her way towards and the door and grinned at the sight of the people she loved most in the world standing at her doorstep.

"AUNT P!!!" Jack squealed charging towards her throwing his arms around her neck as she crouched down to receive him. His impact almost had them both on the floor.  
"Oh I've missed you so much Kiddo!"  
"I've missed you too Aunt P."  
"We've missed you too." Emily quipped from behind Jack as Penelope grinned and stood to her feet, releasing Jack so she could greet the others with a hug hello.  
"I don't think he's going to let you out of his reach," Aaron said almost apologetically as Jack's arms were securely wrapped around her waist.  
"I wouldn't have it any other way." She replied picking Jack back in her arms after she had hugged them, bringing a grin on everyone's face.  
"Can I see Amie?"

As Penelope put Jack down for a nap, everyone else had gone to unpack and rest. Penelope had offered to have Jack stay with her in her apartment knowing that he wanted to be with Amelie, so she had set him up with his own bed in Amelie's room. Reid was staying in her guest room with her. Between the two of them, she was determined to let the couples have some time on their own without children. Though she had offered for Henry to stay with her too, she knew that he was still too small for JJ to part with willingly so she had set up Amelie's cot in the boys home in the room they were staying in.

Penelope closed the door behind her, leaving Jack and Amelie asleep content in each other's presence, they all chuckled at the definitive bond between Jack and Amelie. Like a moth to a flame the two gravitated towards each other. Amelie giggled the loudest when Jack was around her, and when she would become unsettled, all it took was Jack to hold her chubby little hand and she would settle almost immediately. Penelope had teased Aaron and Emily that she may just have to keep him too. Penelope sat beside a rather pensive Spencer Reid on her couch.

"Hey Honey, what goes on in that genius mind of yours."  
"Huh, nothing." He said lying rather poorly. Penelope tilted her head to the side with a look of disbelief,  
"You asked," Penelope nodded in consent swallowing hard, anticipating what was to come.  
"He said to send you his love, that he misses you."  
"I miss him too Reid. Every day, as much as I don't want to. I do."  
"Why don't you tell him?"  
"What? That I miss him? That we have a daughter?"  
"Both,"  
"Reid honey, what could we both possibly gain from that aside from more heartache?"  
"Peace of mind. I have seen you both struggle this last year Garcia. I know it's been hard for you, it's been hard for him too. He and Tamara,"  
"Reid, I don't want to know, that's between them."  
"Wouldn't it take the weight of your shoulders if he knew?"  
"Yes, but it's not as simple as that Reid. Let's not even consider the Tamara factor and what kind of Tsunami effect this would have on their marriage. I don't want to be a cause for that earthquake. More than that, I don't want my daughter to be a pawn. She deserves a quiet life."  
"She deserves a father too Garcia."  
"What makes you think he would want her?" she uttered the painful words she refused to say out loud.  
"You know he would. That's what's got you so scared. You're more scared about him turning around and finally admitting that it's you, that it's always been you, that he made a mistake, because then you don't have the upper hand. This way he would always be the one who chose someone else. You were happy to live with that, but Amie threw you in for a loop, because now you have to imagine having to have that conversation with her as she grows up as to why she doesn't have a father. Instead of being able to just suck it up to he didn't love you enough."  
"What is it with your profilers?" she said sighing in frustration as she threw her head back against the cushions and looked up at her ceiling.  
"PG, you know in your heart, you will never be able to move on with your life if you don't tell him that you had a child together. He may turn around and prove your fears right, still choose to talk away, doubtful, but if he did, at least it was his choice. That you didn't rob him of that, because I know you Penelope, I know despite what you say, not telling him about her is eating at you. You will never be free, if you don't tell him. More than that, it's not fair, not just to him, but to you." Penelope knew he was right.  
"Let's get through the holidays kid, and then I'll call him."  
"Promise?"  
"Yes, I promise. Now can we please drop this till after the holidays?"  
"Sure. I promise."  
"Thanks, not just for dropping it, but for you know…"  
"I do." He replied in understanding.


	8. Moment of Truth

It was a bittersweet Christmas for Penelope, and for all of them. As great as it was to b together, they knew that something was missing from their family. An integral part of their unit wasn't there, and they all felt his absence. Though he would be with his own family, a part of them felt like they had abandoned him.

Penelope took countless photos of Amelie on her first Christmas. When they had put the tree up, decorated, and baked cookies, every moment was captured in some form, because she knew someday, Derek would need it. It was no longer a question that she needed to tell him about Amelie, Reid was right, they all were. She knew the unspoken thoughts that flew around in their minds, and she knew that having them all with her for the holidays only solidified that she didn't want her daughter to grow up devoid of the opportunity to get to know her father. If Derek chooses otherwise, that was one thing, but it was another to not give him a choice at all.

In the end Penelope had ended up travelling back to the States with the rest of them. It made the most sense, seeing as she was already on holidays, and if she had any issues with having Amelie on the plane, she would have a few extra hands to help her. A part of her also knew that if she didn't travel back with them, she may just chicken out all together and stay in London.

Jack had won the argument of where she and Amelie would be staying. Hotch had simply laughed as Jack had basically told Penelope that they would be staying in the Hotchner's home for the duration of their visit.

Derek was looking forward to coming back to work. Though it was great to have spent the holiday with his mother and sisters, he missed his friends, and after so many years of spending most of the holidays with them, he couldn't help but feel the void of them, the void of her most of all. He stopped short in his tracks as his gaze fell on a familiar blonde sitting on Emily's desk having an animated conversation with Reid and Emily. His sucked in a breath, unable to fathom that she was within his reach. She was different from what he remembered but exactly the same in that nonsensical way. Her hair no longer sported the curls he had known and loved for years, replaced by short, wispy layers that beautifully framed her face. She was in the middle of an appreciative laugh when she noticed him standing by the door just watching. Emily and Reid immediately saw the change in her posture and demeanour. Emily had placed a hand over Penelope's and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Penelope slid off the table to stand, leaning against the desk as he approached slowly and apprehensively.

"Hey," she said softly not knowing what to really say.  
"Hey P." he said carefully, surprised that she was standing right there and addressing him.

"Cute kid," she complimented pointing at the photo of his son on his desk. Emily and Spencer both saw the pained look that flashed briefly in her eyes.  
"Thanks!"  
"How have you been?" he asked trying to sound casual while his head asked a thousand questions he knew he no longer had the right to ask.  
"I've been good. Ugh, Derek can we maybe talk somewhere?" she asked, not wanting to lose the little nerve she had to say what she needed to say to him.  
"Sure P, my office okay?" he asked.  
"Would you mind if he talked in the briefing room?" she asked not wanting to really be in the room that brought back memories she had long since buried within her subconscious, knowing that stepping into that office would only break any resolve she may have achieved.  
"Lead the way." He said prepared to follow her anywhere if it meant they could be in the same room together for as long as possible. While Em and Reid watched them head upstairs to the briefing room, JJ, Hotch and Rossi watched discreetly from their offices. Penelope looked up at Hotch's office and met his gaze through the glass. He gave her an encouraging nod before dropping his gaze back down to his paperwork before Derek spotted him.

Penelope leaned against the round table as Derek closed the door behind them.  
"It's good to see you P."  
"You too Derek,"  
"I can't believe you're here. I thought I'd never see you again."  
"Me too, but Derek, I came to see you for a reason."  
"P, I'm so sorry."  
"Oh Dirk, you don't owe me any apologies, and I didn't come here for that. If anything, I may owe you one."  
"What do you mean?" he asked confused,  
"Do you remember that night, the night Hayley died?"  
"Of course I do P." he replied as his voice cracked with emotion,  
"I didn't mean it that way." She said apologetically.  
"I don't even know how to start this conversation. Derek, that night, that night meant a lot to me. With the distance between us at that point, I had begun to question what we had, and that night. I knew there was no one else in the world who got me but you, and that meant the world to me. I have never felt as close to anyone as I did to you that night. I knew it was a one time thing, the look on your face the next day spoke a thousand words, and I was okay with that. You were upset and I was upset,"  
"No P, you are much more to me than just that. I would never use you like that."  
"Then why couldn't you look at me the next day Derek, why did you drop out of radar the moment you left my house. I'm not saying you meant to do it, or that you set out to do it. I know you wouldn't hurt me intentionally, but I know a look of regret when I see one, and quite frankly, the reason why I refused to tell you what I'm about to tell you now is because I don't ever want to see that look on your face again."  
"P…"  
"I got pregnant. I had a daughter, we have a daughter." She stammered,  
"P." he said taking a step towards her. His heart dropped to the floor as she jumped back from him,  
"Please don't. I am barely holding it together here Derek, and I just can't. I'm sorry." The pain evident in his eyes as he longed to touch her felt like someone had taken her heart and squeezed it so hard she could barely breathe.  
"A daughter?" he repeated with tears in his eyes,

_**I know… mean! But I just finished work for the day so I have to go home! Hope you enjoyed this addition!**_


	9. This hurts

"A daughter," he said again somewhat in a daze. He looked up at her with happy yet heartbroken smile. All he could think of was in another time and place, it would be perfect but life seemed cruel at that moment.  
"Amelie Beth Francesca Garcia."  
"Mom would be honoured,"  
"I wanted to name her after both our mothers. I didn't want to assume or put you in a position by giving her your last name. In all honesty up until a couple of weeks ago I was prepared to never tell you. I didn't want to complicate this more than it already is. Derek, I want you to know that I expect nothing from you, that I am prepared to go back to our arrangement of never seeing each other again. It just didn't feel right to not tell you about her. You deserved to know about her and make your own decision about how much or how little you want to be in her life. I know the possible ripple effect this could have in your life and the last thing I want to do is rock your boat."  
"Can I meet her?" he asked somewhat pleadingly, obviously still in a state of shock.  
"Of course," Penelope picked up the phone and dialled JJ's number. A few minutes later JJ entered with a bundle wrapped on a pink blanket. Penelope took her daughter into her arms and held her close. JJ gave her arm a firm squeeze before leaving the room. Penelope dressed in her favorite pair of jeans, sweater and colorful converse, never looked more comfortable or beautiful to him as she brought her face close to their daughter's face murmuring words or love and reassurance.

"Lady bug, this is your Daddy." Derek expertly held his arms out to receive his child and choked back his tears as his eyes fell on her face,  
"You're beautiful," he said dropping his lips to her forehead. Penelope had to look away for a moment trying to compose herself,  
"She's all Morgan." she said stating the obvious. With the exception of the curls, blue eyes and the lightness of her darkened complexion, she was a Morgan through and through. Even in stubborness.  
"She looks just like Des when she was little."  
"I thought so too remembering the pictures, and seeing as Des is a mini you it's safe to say so is my little lady bug here." Penelope said as she leaned against the table beside him,  
"I've really missed you P." he said so softly but it's impact penetrated right through her heart.  
"For what it's worth, I've missed you too Derek, but we are where we are and there's nothing we can do about it."  
"I am so sorry for running scared that morning P. Being with you was the most honest moment of my life, and it scared me how much I wanted to be with you. Hotch had just lost Hayley, and I saw how broken he was, and it scared me because I knew if there was anyone in the world I loved like that and more, it was you. The thought that something could ever happen to you because of what we do, I just couldn't."  
"Derek, I lost you before we all lost Hayley. You and I were barely friends. The only thing that brought us together was the grief. We were both looking for comfort that night Derek. What we had was special, and of course when something tragic happens we tend to seek and revert back to what we knew, what once was a safe place. I needed you as much as you needed me that night, in a way that only you can provide. I have loved you for as long as I've known you, and possibly in love with you before that, but in all the years of our friendship, you made it perfectly clear that I was just someone you flirted with, your best friend who knew you best, we had the relationship without all the things that made it messy, and it worked, and it would have worked forever, but you realized that there was something beyond that, Tamara came along and she made you feel things you never felt with me, and that's okay. You deserved that. We all do. I don't need you to apologise for that, I don't want your apologies, but please don't sit here and pretend we were more than what we were, because Derek, this is hard enough. Standing beside you is hard enough. Being in the same room as makes me want to crawl out of my skin because all I want to do is scream. I wish my conscience allowed me to just raise my daughter alone, but the best friend in me knew it wasn't fair to you, and I knew it wouldn't have been fair for her not to know you. But trust me when I tell you if I didn't feel that I was doing our daughter injustice by not telling you about her, I would have stayed away, because this hurts so much that I can barely breathe."

Derek looked up and met her gaze and saw the pool of hurt, anguish and devastation behind her eyes. He wanted to take her in his arms and hold her so tightly, to never let go, to tell her she was wrong, but he knew his words would be futile. His actions had spoken loud and clear. Any apology he could have offered would have been insulting.


	10. Just Don't

"I want to be a part of her life P."  
"And how exactly are you going to do that Derek? Are you seriously going to have this conversation with your wife and tell her while you were together, you slept with me."  
"I don't know P."  
"Then I suggest you think about this long and hard Derek because once you open this can of worms, there's no turning back."  
"She's mine P, and I want her to know who her father is, and that she is as important to me as her brother. I won't hide her P, I won't hide her like I'm ashamed of her, or what happened between us. I may have screwed up and it may not have been the right thing to do due to circumstances, but I do not regret that night. I don't regret making love to my best friend. I don't regret that out of our grief, we created something that was made from love, because whether you believe me or not Penelope, I love you, and that night wasn't about getting an itch scratched or being comforted, I wanted you and only you. Grant it, I behaved like a jack ass, and I will have to live with the consequences of that for the rest of my life, but my daughter will not suffer because I was an idiot. I am well aware of what the repercussions would be, but whether you know it or not, I've already lost the most important thing in my life." The sincerity of his voice broke a piece of the armour she hid behind  
"I appreciate that you would do that for her. I have no doubt in my heart or mind that you love her Derek, I have never doubted that you would love your child or how great of a father you would be, and already are."  
"But you doubt that I love you." He challenged,  
"Derek, what I think doesn't matter. This is about you and Amie."  
"But it does matter,"  
"Derek…"  
"P, please…" Penelope sighed and pushed herself off from where she was leaning to put some distance between them. Derek watched as she walked to the other side of the room.  
"I don't doubt that you love me. Heck, I don't even have doubts that you have no regrets about what happened that night, but it doesn't matter what I know or how I feel. The bottom line is, you're married. You made your choice. You have a child as a result of your love for her too."  
"I'm sorry P."  
"Derek, you don't owe me any apologies. You never have to apologise for going after what you want."  
"No, I'm apologising for not going after what I want."  
"Derek…" she interrupted,

"No P, hear it! Hear what I was too stupid not to say all those months ago."  
"What good will it do Derek?" Penelope asked defeatedly  
"It won't change anything, it won't reverse what is now. It doesn't make this less awkward or less hurtful. So why Derek, why would we need to go down that road, when all it's going to do is make it hurt more than it already does, because I don't know about you Derek, but I don't think I could handle anymore." She confessed. Derek dropped his gaze to the floor, the last thing he wanted to do was inflict anymore pain than he already had, and at that point continuing the conversation he had started only released him, and tortured her.  
"Okay P, subject dropped."  
"Thank you."

Amelie began to stir in his arms. Derek looked down at his daughter as she opened her eyes meeting his tearful gaze.

"God, she's beautiful."  
"She kinda does take your breath away doesn't she." Penelope replied with a smile standing to her feet.  
"She's probably hungry. Would you like to feed her?"  
"Can I?" he asked gratefully.  
"Sure, let me grab her bottle from Hotch's office."

Penelope dropped a kiss on her daughter's forehead before heading to Hotch's office to grab the bottle she had expressed earlier leaving father and daughter to bond.


	11. You can't fix this

After Penelope handed Derek the bottle, she left father and daughter to their devices. As much as it comforted her to know that he loved Amelie from the first moment he laid his eyes on her, it was hard to watch. Without a shadow of doubt, he was as good at being a Daddy as she thought he would be, and it was bittersweet.

Penelope entered JJ's office to find Emily and JJ equipped with cupcakes awaiting her arrival. She grinned,

"You guys are the absolute best." She exclaimed dramatically sitting between them on the couch.  
"So…" JJ pried,  
"Well, I haven't jumped out of the nearest window." Emily gave her hand a sympathetic squeeze,  
"He's so good with her, just as I always knew he would be. A part of me almost wishes he was a deadbeat so I can guiltlessly go on with my life with our daughter."  
"Oh Pen, you had to know he was never going to let you go. With or without Amie, there was no way in heck that man would have stood by and watch you walk away from him again. Losing you that first time almost killed him."  
"So he tells me."  
"You don't believe him?" JJ asked.  
"That's the thing Jayje, I do. But knowing that doesn't fix it, it doesn't make it any easier, it makes it harder. He wants to be a part of her life, our lives, and how exactly is he going to navigate that? Hi Honey, do you remember when Hayley died and I didn't come home, well I slept over Pen's place, she and I slept together and now we have a daughter. Ugh yes honey, I do realise we were together when I did that…" Penelope role played out loud.  
"Then so be it." Emily said simply,  
"Are you crazy?"  
"It's a loveless marriage of convenience,"  
"You don't know that Em. He loved her enough to marry her. Remember I was there." Just as the words came out they looked up to find a shocked Derek by the door catching Penelope's statement.  
"She's done feeding, she's been burped, but I think she wants you. She's fussing a bit. Hotch said she's probably wanting you before she goes down again." He stammered. He couldn't believe he had just heard what she had said. She was there, on his wedding day, she came, and she watched him get married. Though he always understood the hurt and anger, it wasn't until that point did he fathom just how much she had endured.  
"Ugh thanks." Amelie fussed till she was in her mother's arms. The moment Penelope brought her to her chest Amelie settled down.  
"You're alright Princess, you just wanted to snuggle with Mommy before nigh nigh." As if to agree Amelie yawned and rubbed her nose on Penelope's shirt before closing her eyes.  
"Mommy loves you my sweet Angel." Penelope murmured bringing her lips to her daughter's forehead. Once she was down for the count, Penelope knew that there was a conversation brewing.  
"Aunt Em, can you hold her for a bit. If she fusses let me know. We'll be next door." Emily took Amelie from Penelope and hugged her Godchild close to her.  
"You come and hang with me and Aunty Jayje for a bit Princess while Mommy and Daddy go for round two."  
"Very funny Prentiss." Penelope chuckled with an eye roll as she followed Derek out of JJ's office.

"You came…"  
"Derek,"  
"P, you came?" he repeated.  
"Of course I did you big idiot. My best friend was going to get married. Despite the fact that I was hurt I wanted to be there. I wanted to see you get married. More than that, I wanted to see you go through with it because then, it would be final. It would mean it was over, and there would be no turning back. At least that was the plan. Till I realised…"  
"Amelie,"  
"Yeah, she threw me for a spin. Regardless how unexpected she may have been, no child could have been more welcomed or loved the moment I knew of her existence."  
"There was never a doubt in my mind P."  
"You married her Derek. You stood before God, your family and our friends and you married her. You may love me. I may even believe that you want me, but you married her."  
"I thought I had lost you."  
"That's not good enough Derek. I'm sorry, it isn't. If you wanted me as much as you say you do, then my being there shouldn't have mattered. In the end, you didn't want us enough, you didn't love me enough."  
"You just left." He answered softly in defeat  
"That's lame and you know it."  
"Did I want to bang my fist against your chest in anger when you swept us under the carpet yes. When I found out that I was pregnant with our child, did I want to jump off the nearest bridge yes, would I have no! Did I say yes to Gabriel when he asked me to marry him?" Derek's heart stopped,  
"I said no…because I knew that as much as I cared about him, as certain as I was that he would love Amie as his own without question, it would have been a lie, because despite how much has happened between us, I can't stop my heart from wanting only you. So it's obvious to me, that you made a choice. You just didn't choose me." Derek saw the rawness in her eyes, he had broken her heart, not once, not even twice, but everyday since that day he left her alone in her apartment to wake up alone the day after Hayley's death.  
"P…" Penelope sighed.  
"Please don't apologise anymore. This is exhausting Derek, you have to accept the fact that you can't fix this. That there is no way to fix this."

_**You guys have been amazing with the reviews. I know it's all angst-y. The next chapter will be THE conversation you've all been waiting for. I promise!**_


	12. Facing the truth

Derek could hear the muffled sounds of the TV as he let himself in through his front door. He had been standing outside for almost half and hour trying to get his head around the revelations of that day. Penelope was back, and they had a daughter.

Amelie was beautiful and a perfect combination of her parents, one look at her, you knew who she belonged to. He had spent most of the day with Amelie. There was no case and they were grounded for a few days, and he was grateful for. Penelope had gone out to lunch with the girls leaving him with their daughter. Every second that passed that she lay in his arms only made him fall in love with her more and more. Amelie Beth Francesca Garcia had captured his heart and she owned him, just as her mother did.

"Hey honey, you're home early."  
"Hey T, DJ asleep?"  
"Yeah, he tired himself out with all that rolling around he does."  
"T, do you think we can talk." Tamara looked at him worriedly, something was up. She nodded and sat down on the couch in front of him,  
"Firstly, I really care about you and though what I'm about to say may make you doubt that, I do. Having you and DJ is what has kept me going this last year, and I will always be grateful for you and for DJ." Derek took a breath before continuing,

"In saying that, I've been lying to you, and to myself really because I thought this is what I wanted, us a family, but Tamara my heart has never been in this marriage, I didn't know it but I gave my heart away a long time ago."  
"To Penelope…" Tamara said softly raising her gaze to meet his. With tears in his eyes he nodded.  
"I thought we could go on with our lives, hers with hers, and mine with ours, but it's not working T. I'm cheating you, I'm cheating her, and I'm cheating myself. It's not fair, and I am so sorry you got caught in the middle of all this. I don't think I can do this anymore, you and me. It's dishonest." Tamara watched as he broke down before her, despite how hurt and angry she was her heart went out to him,  
"I guess I've always known we were on borrowed time." Derek looked at her in surprise,  
"From the beginning it was always not right. We had a great time, and I think we filled a void in each other's lives, which was great, but I don't think we were meant to last. I had hoped when I got pregnant that it would bring us closer together, and it hasn't. I thought if we keep trying we might get there, but it just was never enough, the harder we tried the more it seemed hopeless. Truth of the matter is I was going to talk to you about it, I didn't want us to get to a point where we resented each other, and we were certainly headed that way. I don't want that, I care about you too Derek, and you got me through the toughest time of my life, and I can't just turn my back on that. That and we share a son. I can't really have regrets."

"So what was your trigger?" she asked. Derek couldn't help but smile,  
"You can tell you've lived with a profiler."  
"You pick things up here and there." She replied with a chuckle.  
"Penelope's visiting from London. She was at the BAU when I walked in this morning, and everything just came flooding back."  
"Your heart always did belong to her, it was like she owned it all and there was no room for anyone else,"  
"I'm so sorry T. I truly am."  
"I know you are Derek. You're a good man, and at the end of the day, we gave it our best shot, and it just wasn't meant to be. Did you finally tell her how you feel?"  
"Yes, but there's something else too."  
"Uh oh,"  
"We have a daughter."  
"How? Ohh…" she said in realisation  
"Hayley?" Derek hung his head in shame as he nodded in confirmation,  
"Yeah, it just happened. I would apologise if it wasn't so insulting."  
"Wow! She must be around DJ's age then."  
"Yeah, they're literally weeks apart. Amelie was born prematurely.  
"And she went all through that on her own?"  
"Yeah, she didn't want to come between us, she wanted to give us a fair go."  
"Is that why she went to London?"  
"She didn't know she was pregnant till after the wedding."  
"Wow! And she's back?"  
"For now, I don't know what her plans are. She wanted me to know about Amie because she didn't feel right keeping her from me."  
"Should you I don't know be doing some grand gesture right now to ensure she stays put?"  
"This is the strangest conversation between husband and wife known to man, you know that right?"  
"Don't worry, it'll kick in later and I may just hit you, but for now I'm good. So what are you going to do?"  
"T, I've hurt her so badly she can't look at me straight. In spite of all that hurt, she's still Pen,"  
"Gracious as ever I would bet."  
"Somehow I was blessed with you both, and I don't deserve either of you."  
"Well, I can't argue with you there." She teased with a smile on her face.  
"The thing is Derek, today's a brand new day, and you have the choice to make this right. If it's her you want, then you do what it takes to get her back. I'm going to be okay."

_**I feel bad that we always paint Tamara at such a bad angle, so I thought I would give this a go. Hope you liked it.**_


	13. If only it were as simple

Derek hadn't anticipated such an easy conversation with Tamara, and he knew he had been lucky. She had every right to hate him, and she didn't. They had managed to work out what they were going to do that evening. Living arrangements and access to DJ, and she was more than generous with him. For that and so much more, he was grateful. He had made arrangements to stay at Emily's apartment as she was officially moved into a new house with Hotch and Jack.

"Of course you can. You can stay there as long as you want. I was going to make arrangements for it to be rented out anyway, it may as well go to family." Emily replied as she stood to her feet. Penelope looked up questioningly as she replied with a nod confirming Penelope's question.  
"Do you need a hand moving your things? I can send Hotch over, and the rest of the boys."  
"I'm okay Em, she hasn't thrown me out. It's very amiable. I'll get my gear together tonight and stay on the couch. I'll move my things to yours this weekend."  
"You okay?" she asked concerned. Derek smiled,  
"Aww Prentiss, here I was thinking you don't care."  
"That's bull and you know it Morgan."  
"I know, and I've really appreciated having you in my corner."  
"Sure, what are friends for? I'll see you tomorrow. Call if you need anything."  
"I will. Give my girls a hug for me."  
"I will do."

Penelope wasn't doing a very good job at looking nonchalant when Emily got off the phone. Emily smirked at her friend as she flicked through the magazine in her hand absently.

"Go on, ask. You know you want to."  
"Actually it's probably safer if I don't." Penelope said decidedly as she rose from her chair feeling more confused than ever before.  
"He loves you Pen."  
"You all keep saying that and I hear it I do, but you guys need to allow me some time to process it all. The man married another woman after he had a one night stand with me, his supposed best friend. I can't just move on from that." Penelope sighed in frustration,  
"Pen," Emily said apologetically,  
"It's okay Em, it's just been a long day and I have Derek Morgan overload. I'm going to head to bed if that's okay."  
"Sure hon," Penelope headed to the guest room wordlessly as though she was carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and Emily felt horrible.  
"She's okay Sweetheart, just give her some time."  
"I didn't mean to,"  
"She knows that too." Hotch said giving Emily a brief squeeze reassuring her.

Penelope felt bad for being short with Emily but she'd had enough. It had been a long and exhausting day of hashing feelings that she had long since buried, or at least tried to and the last thing she wanted was to have it all resurface when she wasn't as prepared as she wanted to be. Knowing he loved her was never the issue. She never doubted it, but he chose someone else over her. He turned his back on her and married someone else. Did everyone else forget that? At that point, the runner in her wished she was back in London hiding behind her work, and moving on with her life with her daughter without all of the issues forming around her. So he is separating from his wife, it didn't erase anything, nor did it make anything hurt any less. She picked up Amelie in her arms and hugged her tight.

"I'm not quite sure I'm strong enough to do this Kiddo." She whispered planting a kiss on her daughter's temple, breathing her in. Amelie stirred only to snuggle closer to her mother, rubbing her nose against Penelope.  
"I know, I know, we had a deal."

Hotch heard Penelope come out of her room. He waited for a few moments before coming out of the study where he had been working. He wasn't at all surprised to find her sitting out on the backyard porch steps. Without a word he sat beside her and draped an arm around her shoulder. Penelope lay her head on his shoulder,

"It's not as simple as knowing he loves me Aaron, I know he does. I've always known, but he married her. It was a mistake and he knew it, but he still married her. What does that say about us?"  
"Oh Pen, he was so frightened to lose you, to change the dynamics that make you guys who you are that he panicked and ended up making the biggest mistakes of his life, but he's willing to make his wrongs a right."  
"Which he would not have done, had I not been standing in the bull pen today." Aaron went to open his mouth only to close it again, he had no retort. She was right. Derek would have ridden out his marriage for as long as it took, because he felt it was the right thing to do.  
"Is his leaving her really supposed to change things Hotch?"

"Only you can answer that Penelope. I know it's not that simple for you, and I get why. You know better than anyone that there are no easy answers here, and at the end of the day it will be a choice you will need to make."

"Don't you think I've made enough life altering decisions in this lifetime?" she replied with a deep sigh

"Do you want to be with him?"

"I would suppose that if the answer to that was a no in my heart, it wouldn't be this hard. I just don't know if that's enough to take that leap, or sustain us."

"Are you willing to walk away from something that could potentially make you happy out of fear?"

"Hotch, if I can't forgive him, if I can't get passed this, we will never be happy and I would hate for us to come together and make a go of this in the wrong context."

"Fair enough, and that my friend takes you back to square one." Penelope groaned clearly frustrated.

Derek arrived at the office in obvious anticipation of seeing Penelope and their daughter again. He grew worried when he didn't spot her right away.

"She's in the conference room," Em answered his unspoken question,

"Thanks," he said dropping his bag looking longingly up at the break room.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, better than I thought I would be. Tamara was great. We had a huge talk, and she said she'd always known."

"Smart girl,"

"Does she, did you,"

"Yeah, she knows." Emily replied softly, still feeling a little guilty from her conversation. Penelope had tried to apologise to her that morning,

"I'm sorry you got caught in the brunt of my frustration. I know you were only trying to help."  
"Oh Pen, I owe you an apology. You know that I was never sold on the Tamara and Derek union." Penelope let out a small smile as she remembered the little digs that came from Emily during those first months,  
"Then you left, and that really hurt." Emily confessed. Penelope draped an arm around her friend's shoulders.  
"When we got to London and found out that you were carrying his child, it took Aaron, JJ and Dave to sit on me to stop me marching up to Derek and hand him the biggest slap known to man. I always understood why you left, but seeing you at that hospital as you held Ami in your arms, I knew that was the deal breaker. That the chances are, we would never have you back. So when you agreed to come home, to talk to Derek about it, I had hoped that maybe this would be a chance, you know. It's selfish I know, but I just want you to be here with us, your family. I'm sorry I've been pushing the whole Derek thing, I know in your own time you'll make your own decision and I'm sorry I haven't been very helpful."  
"Oh cupcake, I get it I do, and I appreciate what you're saying, but this is a little more complicated than just wanting to move back and be with you guys and please know that I do, I just don't trust him with me. I don't trust myself with him. I don't trust us and I don't know if I ever could again."


	14. I wish I could

Emily watched as Derek ran up the stairs in pure longing. She felt for him and though she understood Pen's hesitation, the romantic in her just wanted Penelope to throw away her inhibitions and just take that leap.

Derek stood quietly at the door while Penelope fed their daughter. Amelie gurgled in pure contentment as her mother ran her fingers soothingly along her cheek. Penelope had heard Derek's approach but had kept her head down as she tried to summon as much composure as she could. After taking a deep breath she looked up and met his gaze,

"Hey,"  
"Hey P." Derek replied. Feeling a little self conscious Penelope moved Amelie's baby blanket modestly over her exposed skin,  
"She's almost done, you're welcome to burp her if you'd like."  
"I'd love it P."  
"Give me a few minutes."  
"Sure, take your time. How are you?"  
"I hear that's a question I should be asking you." She replied with a sad smile,  
"I'm good. It was a conversation long overdue, apparently for both parties." He saw Penelope's eyebrow raise questioningly,  
"Apparently she knew that we were on borrowed time, something about my heart never really being there."  
"I'm sorry," she said sincerely, hating that another person was hurt as a result of their current circumstance.  
"Don't be, as hard as it may be, it finally forced me to be completely honest with myself, with you and with Tamara. I may not have been in love with her but I loved her, she gave me a son, and she didn't deserve to play second fiddle because I was too much of a coward to tell my best friend how I truly felt."  
"I suppose if you're best friend wasn't a coward herself she would have demanded more from you than your silence. You weren't the only one at fault here Derek, I was too. I could have told you when you walked into my office the next morning all fidgety the next morning how I truly felt to wake up to find you gone. That it broke my heart in so many pieces that all I wanted to do was disappear into thin air, that I loved you, even if it seemed you didn't love me in the same way, but at the end of it all, as hard as it was to pack up and go, it was the easiest thing to do. I left on my terms, and I vowed never to let you hurt me again."  
"And here I am still hurting you." He said as his voice cracked with emotion. Penelope looked up at him and held his gaze,  
"We're hurting each other Derek. I know I've hurt you almost as much if not as much as you've hurt me."  
"Then, let's stop P."  
"I wish it were that simple Derek. I really wish it was easy as flicking a switch because I'd do it. I'd do it in a heartbeat. I miss my best friend. I miss the person that used to know me so well we worked like clockwork, without thought or effort. I want to tell my best friend that my daughter finally met her Daddy, and how amazing he is with her, just as I always knew he would be. I want to tell him that despite everything, there's a part of my heart that will always belong to him that no one else can ever replace, but I can't Derek. I can't. So much has happened, too much time has passed."  
"All I'm asking P is to be a part of your life and Ami's."  
"Derek you don't need to ask to be in Ami's life, that's a given. You can see her as much as you'd like,"  
"And you?"  
"You're going to have to give me more time with that one."  
"You have it P, I'm not going anywhere. You and I will make this work. I made the mistake of letting you walk away once and I won't make the same mistake again." Penelope stood to place Ami in his arms. As she brushed against his arm, she gave it a brief squeeze,  
"One day at a time,"

Derek was surprised that Penelope had stayed in the room instead of heading to JJ's office. He watched as she sat back down on the couch resting her head on the back of the couch,

"Sleepless night?" he guessed,  
"Restless mostly,"  
"Are you keeping your Mommy awake little one?" Derek asked affectionately bringing his nose to Ami's cheek who merely giggled as his touch,  
"No, she's innocent this time around." Penelope assured him. Just as Penelope closed her

eyes, her phone began to vibrate. Digging into her pocket she picked up knowing who it would be,  
"Hey! I'm so sorry, I have literally just finished feeding Ami."  
"You're not in trouble," he assured her amused. Penelope grinned as she stood to her feet.  
"That's always a plus, your wrath scares me." Penelope excused herself and left him in the conference room to take her call in Hotch's empty office.

"So are you coming here or do I have to go all the way there to see my niece?"  
"As if I would live to see tomorrow if I didn't bring her there to be spoiled by Aunty Stella, Uncle Donnie, Aunty Linds, Uncle Danny and Uncle H," she replied dryly.  
"At least you know your fate." Mac said with a chuckle,  
"I learn my lessons!"  
"When are you thinking of coming?"  
"I'm not sure, I was going to give him a couple of more days with his daughter. This weekend maybe if you're free,"  
"For you two, I'll make sure I am."  
"Aww Uncle Mac, we're touched."  
"Have you made any decisions?"  
"Buzz kill!" she cried out in protest while Mac laughed out loud.  
"I've missed you Kiddo."  
"Me too Tay, it's been way too long,"  
"Let me know what time your flight gets in and I'll come and get you. Don't worry about carrying her car seat, I already have one for her."  
"She's not at all spoilt is she?" Penelope teased,  
"I have no idea what you're talking about."  
"Uh huh, I'm sure you don't."

Penelope returned to the conference to find Father and Daughter both asleep on the couch. The sight of Derek sitting on the couch, with their daughter secure on his chest, both looking at peace made her stomach tighten with knots, there was not a doubt in her mind that she loved the man that held their daughter in his arms, but she knew at that point, she didn't trust him with her heart, and though she hoped that one day she would, she wasn't sure if she ever could again.

Derek awoke to her gaze and gave her a sheepish smile. He caught that far away look in her eyes, he could see the vulnerability she hid so well when he was looking and knew that she was processing and weighing it all out in her mind.

"Guess we've all had a pretty restless night." She observed,  
"You could say that. Everything okay?"  
"Yeah, that was Mac. I need to head to New York to see that part of the family, as well as talk about my contract."  
"Ahhh, so what are your plans?" he asked not wanting to assume,  
"I don't know Derek. Truthfully there will always be a part of me who wants to keep her running shoes on, to move on with my life but that would be unfair to you and to Amie. She needs you in her life, and she should have the opportunity to get to know you, love you as every daughter should be able to love their father." Derek appreciated that, and loved her even more for it.  
"My projects are pretty much done in London, and though they offered to keep me there to run things, I don't really need to. There's a position for me in New York which was the natural progression from London, but Mac did offer me the same position here in Quantico. In a way it's a no brainer, but I have to tell you that thought that's what makes the most sense, it's the one that scares me the most."  
"You can't keep running P. I know ironic coming from the man that married someone else because he was running from how he truly felt about his friend. If you're truly wanting to be in New York because that's what in your heart you want, then I say go. We'll make a way to make it work. I'll come and see you guys as often as I can so I can be with you both, but if you're running to New York because of me, don't. You've compromised your life enough because of me. We can make this work here too P. Your terms, your pace."  
"Thank you."


	15. decisions made

"We'll be back in a few days," Penelope assured him as he dropped them off at the airport. For the last couple of days Amelia had spent most of her time with her father getting acquainted. It allowed Penelope to look into her options in Virginia. She had confided in Hotch that she was considering moving back to Virginia and he was more than happy to lay out her options for her. She had looked at a couple of houses for her and Amelie to move into should she decide to take that route. It made the most sense, and perhaps it was time to stop running.  
"Call when you get there okay?"  
"I will. Don't worry, we'll be fine. Enjoy your weekend with DJ. See you in a few days." She saw the look of hesitation and worry on his face,  
"I promise. I'm not going to bolt. Really." She said trying to give him a peace of mind as he smiled sheepishly.  
"I'll see you in a few days P. Bye Ladybug," He said dropping his lips on his daughter's forehead. It never failed to pull at Penelope's heart strings. Derek placed a kiss on Penelope temple as he handed Amelie back.  
"Take care P."  
"You too Derek."

As Penelope and Amelie walked towards their gate to board Derek watched. As though she sensed him, she turned one last time and saw him leaning against the wall his eyes never leaving them. She gave him a quick wave before heading through the gates to board.

"Well aren't you two a sight for sore eyes." Mac greeted enveloping them both in a huge hug.  
"Hey Tay, it's so good to see you too." With her brothers so far away, Mac was the older brother that always looked out for her. He had flown to London before and after Amelie's birth, and he has the first one she confessed to when she found out, therefore it was no surprise that there was a bounty on Derek Morgan's head that she hadn't quite convinced him to drop.  
"What? No Stella?" she asked with a smirk.  
"She got called away, and believe me she put up a fight. She said she'll see you at mine as soon as she's done."  
"Awesome." Mac picked up their bags and led them back to the car.  
"So heavy talk now or later?" he asked.  
"Let's get it over and done with so we can thoroughly enjoy this visit"  
"So you've decided?" he guessed.  
"I didn't think I had, but as I got off that plane, I realised I have." She answered pausing for a moment before continuing.  
"We both knew that after Derek found out, London would be out of the question, and I'm good with that. As much as I love London, it has never really been home. Not when all of you guys are back here. A part of me wants move to New York, start a new, be close enough but be far enough, but it's only going to make things more difficult than they have to be. So I'm going to take that job in Quantico."  
"That's good Kiddo."  
"You're not mad?"  
"Why would I be? You know all I want is for you to be happy, it doesn't matter where you live." Penelope gave his arm an appreciative squeeze.  
"Now I can't speak for Stella and the others, they may just want to hand cuff you to the nearest thing to keep you here." Penelope laughed,  
"Duly noted."

After her decision and talk with Mac, she was able to just enjoy the visit with her friends. She signed paperwork, made arrangements, but most of her time was spent hanging out with her New York friends. Mac had offered to babysit Amelie so Penelope, Stella and Olivia could have a night out in town. A part of her did wish she could live in New York, especially after spending a stress free week with her New York family, but she knew it was time to stop running. That if she was moving back to the States so that her daughter could be closer to her Daddy, it didn't seem to make sense to move almost four hours away from him after returning. She wanted Derek to be accessible to their daughter and vice versa. She had compromised with more visits to New York on the weekends that Derek had Amelie.

Penelope had called Derek from New York that night they arrived before going to bed to give him the decision. She knew that he would be pleased, and he was. He had offered Emily's apartment to her and took a smaller two bedroom place on the same floor of her apartment building. From there everything seemed to fall into place. She had planned to go back to London for a week to pack up her things, and accepted the offer of Derek taking Amelie while she was away so she wouldn't have to worry about caring for her as well as packing and moving. Emily, JJ, Stella and Liv had decided to go with her to help her pack and make a girl's week away out of it. The five of them had a blast in London. They had packed up Penelope in record time leaving them a good five days to do as they pleased, so they had taken a quick trip to Paris to shop and hang out. When they disembarked from the plane, they had never looked more relax that they did at that point.

The boys had surprised Penelope by repainting Emily's apartment and setting up Amelie's room, with Emily's blessing of course. When her furniture came mid week, Derek had taken it upon himself to unpack and lay out where he thought she would want everything. Emily's furniture was taken across the hall to his apartment. She couldn't believe how smoothly the transition went.

"Wow you guys!" she exclaimed in shock and gratitude.  
"Thank you."  
"Your Welcome Garcia, it's good to have you home." Rossi replied giving her shoulder a quick squeeze.


	16. new beginnings

It didn't take long for Penelope to settle back into Virginia, in some ways it felt like she had never left. With the exception of her relationship with Derek, everything else remained almost the same. She and the girls had picked up where they left off. Their time apart had brought them even closer together if that were even possible. When Penelope had returned from New York, she had sent a ticket to Fran to come and visit so that she could meet her grand daughter. Fran was delighted and besotted with Amelie. She had stayed till Penelope had come back from London and had helped take care of Amelie as they got her moved and settled into her apartment. She enjoyed the time she was able to spend with both of her grandchildren. When Penelope had asked her to come to Virginia, she wasn't quite sure what it was for. To find Penelope carrying her grand daughter in her arms made her well up with tears. Though she had always understood why Penelope had bolted, it made even more sense knowing that there was a child involved. She was grateful that despite it all Penelope had given her son the opportunity to get to know his daughter and be a part of her life, and as sad as she was to know that DJ would grow up in a one parent household, Derek's separation from Tamara was the most honest thing he had done in a really long time. She was confident that he would do his very best to ensure that he provide both his children all the love and care that they would need.

Just as she did in London, Penelope primarily worked from home which was one of the conditions of her contract. She wanted to be able to spend as much time as she could with Amelie and with what she did, she was fortunate enough to have the flexibility to be able to do that. She had even taken in DJ when Tamara had an emergency and Derek was at work. There once extremely complicated set up, had become simple and for that they were all grateful. Though they weren't exactly friends, there was a definitive respect between Penelope and Tamara. If there was anyone in the world who understood how the other was feeling, it was ironically the other. DJ and Amelie took to each other immediately and Penelope loved to see their interaction. DJ who was only a few weeks older than Amelie, had somehow taken the role of her protector. Always looking out for her, always the first to do everything as though testing the waters to make sure it was safe. When eating Amelie would always offer her food to DJ first and DJ upon seeing her would wave his arms around excitedly and pass to her whatever toy he had in his hands.

"Hi Pen, it's Tamara. I am so sorry to do this to you, but can I leave DJ with your today. I have this huge marketing pitch to make and my babysitter bailed on me."  
"T, of course you can. Just drop him off when you're ready."  
"You Penelope Garcia are a Godsend!" Tamara exclaimed.  
"You'd do the same for me. Don't stress. Come when you're all set to go. Don't worry about formula or food, as long as you're happy for him to eat what Ami does, I have it covered. I'd say leave the nappies by DJ's adorable toosh is a little bigger than my baby." Tamara laughed, though they were only weeks apart, DJ was relatively larger than his little sister.  
"Blame it on his father."  
"Don't worry, I've added it to the list."  
"I'll see you soon Pen, and thank you."  
"No problem! See you soon."

"Hey P, how's the Munchkin?"  
"The Munchkin's are great. Currently napping together."  
"You have DJ too?" he asked surprised not realising that Tamara had dropped him off.  
"Yeah, T's babysitter bailed on her last minute, some family emergency or something."  
"Thanks for covering P."  
"Happy to do it. I get a kick out of watching them together. He's like her own personal bodyguard. I can't wait how well this is all going to go down when she's a teenager and wants to date." Derek chuckled,  
"See I don't necessarily think that is a negative."  
"Of course you don't." she replied dryly.  
"Don't worry about dinner. I'll pick up something on the way home. What do you feel like?"  
"Anything is fine with me. I've got brownies in the oven for dessert. I've mad a batch for the team, and one for you."  
"P, you're the best."  
"I get that a lot." She teased before hanging up.

Penelope and Derek worked on their friendship. Derek knew, without their friendship there would be no hope for anything more. Truth was, their friendship meant the world to him, and if all he had was their friendship, he could live with it. He loved her, and ache to be with her, but after everything, he had learned to take each day as it came and appreciate what was before him. To use what was in his hand and make the most of it.

Penelope hung up the phone and resumed watching her daughter and his son sleep side by side with a content smile on both their faces. She knew she had made the right choice. That there was no other place she could be. That it may take a awhile, but they were all getting there.


	17. taking a risk

Penelope had been called away to New York, and had arranged for Derek to look after Amelie in her absence. After three days of intense training and conferences Penelope was more than ready to come home and see her daughter who she missed like crazy in her absence. Though she called throughout the day every day, and Derek turned on Skype so she could see her, it wasn't the same. Thankfully, it was only three days, and she was able to see the New York crew whilst she was there. Penelope let herself into her apartment, uncertain if Derek was there with Amelie, or Amelie was in his apartment. She smiled as her gaze fell to him laying asleep on her couch, with both babies on his chest, an arm secure around each child. Grinning, she quietly grabbed her camera and started snapping away knowing it would be a great present for Fran.

"Oh hey, no fair." He protested.  
"But sooo cute," was her only reply as she put down the camera to take Amelie from him.  
"Welcome home." He greeted as he sat up carefully.  
"It's good to be home," she replied holding Amelie close to her.  
"Hi Baby, did you miss Mommy? Because Mommy surely missed you."  
"She missed you. We all did." Penelope smiled and dropped a kiss on his cheek.  
"Me too. That goes for you too Little Derek." She added dropping a quick kiss on DJ's forehead.  
"You eaten?" he asked.  
"Not yet, and I'm starving. I was thinking Pizza if you're up for it?"  
" Sounds great. I'll order you get comfortable. Give me the munchkin and they can play for a bit."  
"Thanks!"

Penelope couldn't help but watch as he took their daughter in his free arm and set both kids down in the play pen that he had built for them. There was no denying that he was a great father, and that he was devoted to both of his children. She loved watching him in action, it warmed her heart. Admittedly, it stirred emotions within her and pulled successfully at her heart strings. They were taking each day as it came. Being friends came naturally, and it showed. Despite Penelope's initial hesitations, she found herself falling into routine with him as though no time had passed. It was hard not to feel extremely loved by him. It came so naturally to him that there was no doubting it. Penelope was generous with him, and for that he was grateful. Though she was a little guarded, there was no resentment that lingered. She was Penelope through and through.

When Penelope emerged from her quick shower and change into her sweats, she found him in the middle of the play pen with the kids as they used him as a jungle gym. Picking up her camera again she started documenting the moment for all eternity.

"Penelope Elizabeth Garcia, put the camera down and get in here." He demanded. Penelope chuckled and joined them in the playpen camera still on hand continuing to take photos of both the kids. DJ crawled on her lap and looked up at her with his arms reaching for her. Penelope put the camera down and picked DJ up holding him above her head blowing rasberries on his stomach. DJ giggled happily trying to reach her face with his pudgy little hands. Derek took the opportunity to steal the camera and take photos of her and DJ.

"Your Daddy thinks he's so clever. He doesn't realise he was drooling when I took a photo of him sleeping." DJ giggled as though he understood what it was that she was saying.  
"I was not." Derek protested indignantly.

Penelope lowered DJ to her shoulder where he lay his head and snuggled into her neck.

"A snuggler just like your father, the both of you," as the words came out Penelope blushed, earning a smirk from Derek.  
"In more ways than one," Derek added as DJ tried to slip his whole hand into Penelope's shirt, only deepening the redness on her face. Before further comments were made a light knock on the door interrupted them. Derek jumped to his feet.

"I got it,"

As Derek released Amelie, she crawled over to her mother and placed her head on her knee contently as Penelope stroked her curls affectionately.  
"Come eat P. They can play a bit longer." Penelope nodded in agreement and joined him. He handed her a plate and a bottle of water. Penelope filled her plate and collapsed on the couch,

"Big few days?" he asked as he sat beside her.  
"Yeah, too much info not enough time, back to back seminars and meetings in between. It was crazy. I met up with the guys for dinner every night, and I could barely carry a conversation."  
"Did you stay at Mac's?"  
"I wish, but the Bureau had all of us staying in the one hotel. I may have gotten more sleep if I did."  
"Still hate hotel rooms?" he asked with a knowing smile.  
"I love hotel rooms, it's my subconscious that seems to have an issue with them."  
"All in all, it was a good trip?"  
"Yeah, it was. I like the variety of work that I'm doing. I like the theory behind the execution."  
"Nerd." He teased as she gave his shoulder a light shove with her own.  
"T working?" she asked,  
"Yeah, they've sent her to pitch something in California, she's there for a week so I have DJ while she's gone."  
"Oh, I'm sorry if I'd known I would have made other arrangements for Amie. You must have had your hands full with them both."  
"Don't be silly P. I love it. I'm grateful for the time I get with them. Sometimes it feels like I keep trying to catch up, that I don't make enough time to see them, be with them."  
"Derek, you're one of the most devoted father's I have ever met. These two are not at all starved for your love or affection and don't you dare sell yourself short thinking that you are."  
"Then why do I feel like I've failed them both, like I've failed all of you."  
"Derek, the blame isn't yours alone to carry. You, Me, Tamara, the three of us, we've all had a hand in this little predicament, but we're making the most of it. We've all lay aside our issues and put them first, as it should be. You're not solely to blame for how it all fell apart. For the record, I've never felt like you failed me."  
"How could you not?" he asked bewildered.  
"Because, it takes two to tango. Don't get me wrong, I was angry, but mostly I was hurt. To me it seemed as though I wasn't enough. That she could offer you more, you know?" she answered honestly resting her head on the back of her couch.  
"My issue was never about you Derek, it was about me, and how I saw myself."  
"P, it was never about you falling short of what you thought I deserved, truth was I never thought I deserved you. After the way I reacted, even more so. You have always been so gracious with me, my mistakes, and my stupidity, you deserved better than that."  
"Don't we make a pair?" Derek chuckled.  
"P, I want to make my intentions clear. If I hadn't before, let me do it now. I want you. I want us. For the rest of our lives. I don't care how long it takes, I'd wait forever if I have to. I would rather live the rest of my life waiting for you, at the possibility of us, than be with anyone else."  
"Derek, I love you. You have to know that, and I want what you're proposing more than words can possibly express, but it scares me to want it. You scare me." She said looking right into his eyes, for the first time in almost two years, he saw right through her. She had lowered the walls that she hid behind when he was around and allowed him to see right into her soul. Taking a chance he slid his hands to cup her face,  
"I love you. I have always loved you and only you. I am in this, forever. I am all in. I promise you that. I'm scared too P. I'm scared that I'm going to do something that will screw us up and I lose you, and I lose Amie forever. Nothing scares me more than that, but I love you. I want you. That love and that want is bigger than the fear I have. I'm willing to jump off that cliff, with blindfolds even, as long as I am holding your hand when I do." Penelope brought her forehead against his,  
"A tad dramatic, but I get it. If you want to give this a go, I'm in." Derek broke into a grin and drew her into his arms into a tight embrace.  
"You've just made me the happiest man alive." He whispered softly in her ear, before burying his face on her shoulder.


End file.
